Groundhog Day Inhumane to Groundhogs, says PETA
Disrupted hibernation puts Punxsutawney Phil at risk
Is life a big pile of déjà vu for you? Different day, same reasons to take out payday loans? Sure, you may be trapped in a space-time continuum feedback loop, but let’s think for a moment. How has Groundhog Day been for Punxsutawney Phil? That’s where PETA directs our focus.
Groundhog Day 2010 is coming Tuesday, February 2
PETA and animal experts like those in DuPage County, Illinois say that waking Punxsutawney Phil from hibernation for the Groundhog Day ceremony could be putting his life at risk.
“During hibernation, a groundhog’s heartbeat, metabolism and respiration slow,” Animal ecologist Thompson told the Chicago Sun-Times. “(That) allows it to live on its body fat. If a groundhog is awakened from hibernation too early, it might not have the energy to find food and survive in cold winter temperatures.”
Must he die for a novelty weather report?
Some places are abstaining from official Groundhog Day ceremonies, but the reasons for turning down a chance to live it up with a woodchuck vary.
“The fact that we’re not having a Groundhog Day celebration is not really a stand we’re taking so much as it is that we have a really cranky groundhog who doesn’t like to be woken up,” said the St. Louis Zoo to the Chicago Tribune.
Cue the robotic Phil
PETA would have been there with robot dogs for Michael Vick. If only they’d been there in time to aid the psychopath (allegedly). They would also have replaced the eyes of young children who viewed their “Unhappy Meal” ads with robotic eyes, but that’s another story. PETA and other animal rights groups are sensitive to the plight of the Punxsutawney, so they’re proposing a robot stand-in that won’t be harmed by the bright lights and premature hibernation wakey-wakey.
And they’re performing so well
But William Deeley, a man who holds the esteemed title of “President of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club” (does that make him a Time Master like in Dr. Who?) says Phil is “being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania.” And THIS is why Johnny can’t read or write, I tell you!
Would he qualify?
If Phil had steady employment, banking references and some form of federal identification, he could request payday loans and buy some nice dark shades and anti-hangover drinks and snacks. Or he could be allowed to hibernate properly and PETA would happily move on to their next publicity platform.