Debt Relief | It’s Not About Picking Your Poison

Get Active After Those Carbs!

This debt relief has a sting to it? Try $39 million for a gallon of scorpion venom!

This debt relief has a sting to it? Try $39 million for a gallon of scorpion venom!

So if you’ll recall from last time, you’d chugged a gallon of eggs. Now you simply must maintain your figure and do the dirty work.

Latex house paint goes for $16.50 per gallon, and you’ve been putting that off for too long, haven’t you? When you’re done, why not clean your car? Armor All is $31.92 per gallon, while Rain X is $39.92. You’ll probably notice that the flowerbeds need some attention, so a gallon of Roundup may be necessary at $63.20 per gallon (assuming you live somewhere where it doesn’t snow).

Just don’t spend too much time outside, even if you live in San Diego as I used to, because winter is relatively cold and you don’t want to develop a cough. Robitussin DM tips the scales at $109.76 per gallon; however, there’s no earthly reason you should need that much of it – unless you’re spiking the holiday punch bowl (be a decent person and don’t do that, please). GHB could conceivably achieve more potent effect, but that would be illegal and I could not condone or promote such illegal action at $2,560 per gallon. I provide you with this link so you’ll know enough to avoid it. Otherwise, debt relief will be the least of your problems.

Blood is Less Expensive than Printer Ink

That’s right. Once you factor in the processing fee, human blood costs around $1,514.79 per gallon. It isn’t supposed to be sold in the U.S. according to, but the $200.00 processing fee per unit (500ml) is provided for vampiric entertainment purposes only. Not something I’d ever sink my incisors into, but I’m not a fan of movies with Robert Pattinson. If I absolutely had to get started red liquid that wasn’t a suitable beverage anywhere on my person, I suppose I’d go with Cover Girl nail polish at $892.80 a gallon.

Human blood may be pricey, but did you know that a gallon of black ink that will work in your home computer’s printer runs $2,701.52? That’s enough to give me a fever ($3,433.33 for a gallon of thermometer mercury) and mess with my blood sugar ($9,411.76 for Humulin L insulin). That stinks so bad that even a gallon of Chanel No. 5 won’t hide the stench (or the price, $25,600 per gallon). Gives me flashbacks to the time when my dog was sprayed by a skunk and then rolled in a fresh pile of Alpo after-effect (no LSD required or advised, but in case you’re wondering, that would go for $122,880 per gallon).

Toxic to Your Budget

And finally, Thailand cobra venom costs $152,835.82 per gallon in lyophilized powder form. If that isn’t good enough for you, scorpion venom tops the list at $38,858,507.46 per gallon. This brings us back to debt relief and why you would need scorpion venom. If you’re a doctor in the Australian outback, I could see the need. But don’t you owe enough on your med school loans? Thankfully, short term debt relief is possible with – you guessed it – payday loans.

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