When it comes to what television programs are going to stick like instant money during the summer schedule, there’s no sure thing. There’s always something better to do than watch television, but many people fall into the trap because it’s easy to tune in and turn off your brain. Yet the summer months lure us outside with the siren song of warmer temperatures, beachfront bonfires and the chance to rub lotion into someone you care about. TV has nothing on that, not to mention reading a book or drafting your plan to live in the British Isles without help from payday loans from the UK.

But let’s assume for the moment that you care about what’s on the tube this summer. If you’re a sucker for reality TV and the folly of pretty (pretty vacuous) celebrities, give “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here” USA a try. According to Entertainment Weekly scribe Ken Tucker, the celebrities have “imagination to burn.” That has to be enough to ensnare you. They had me at “the,” but then I looked around my desk and spied a can of Cheese Whiz. At that point, they lost me.

As stupid as it needs to be

Contrary to what most people might think about pseudo-famous individuals who take part in shows like this, they aren’t the problem with the show. In fact, as Tucker sees it, they’re fun. However, everything else – the hosts, the competitions and the total the lack of production imagination – is tough to ignore. But dutiful d-bags like “The Hills” Spencer Pratt step up to the challenge. In the recent premiere episode, he calls NBC President Ben Silverman to complain about having to tough it out in Costa Rica.

Then there’s former “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya Malakar, who is transfixed by the physics of flame, “the whole concept of how it works.” Stephen Baldwin eats tripe and Mrs. Heidi Pratt, (aka Heidi Montag) makes excuses for her new husband’s boorishness with this born-again explanation: “My husband is a very new Christian,” so he should be… forgiven. Oh-kaaay… let me say something positive here, because that’s what Christians are supposed to do, right? “Gee Heidi, you’re so pretty. And you’re such a good self-promoter…” Ooops, guess I’m not a Christian…

Madame President gets a manicure

Wait, Tucker tells us we mustn’t forget Janice Dickinson, who tells Patti Blagojevich that she needs to “set the record straight” about her husband Rod. Spencer would vote for his for president, so there. My voting choice is locked in – I vote for Heidi.

But what’s the point of the show?

“I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here” USA is only nutty like that in sporadic burps. But as mirthless hosts Damien Fahey and Myleene Klass  remind us, it’s all about the “Fear Factor”-style contests. Eat squirming bugs, wallow in the muck and say “witty” things. Then the hosts will lather, rinse and repeat the celebrity gems. It’s nothing new, which is why you should get while the getting is splashy. Heidi and Spencer will say a little prayer if you do…

Let’s get a rundown of the males on the show

The English blog Hecklerspray sees “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here” USA as a pale imitation of the British original, largely because the hosts merely rehash the down and dirty action, rather than spurring it on with “cheeky” commentary. But in spite of its shortcomings, the show appears to warrant a background report  on the “stars” in the game. I’ve mentioned Heidi and Janice already, but they work for “the other team.” These guys are going to step up to the plate, swing the lumber and hit it out of the park. Revel in their awesomeness:

• Lou Diamond Phillips. “La Bamba,” “Young Guns” and “Extreme Justice” highlight the career path of LDP. Oh, and he also played a sheriff in a movie called “Bats.” In IACGMOOH, he takes on Patti Blagojevich and manages to eat more tarantula than the Chicago girl can stomach. Hopefully that takes some of the sting out of having been married to Julie Cypher, who went on to have two children with Melissa Etheridge, thanks to donations from David Crosby. Call a hazmat team, stat!
• John Salley. “The Spider” was a key role player on the Detroit Pistons and Los Angeles Lakers during four NBA Championship runs. He was a long, lanky shot blocker who could help out on defense, but will he be able to stuff block any attempts at singing with which Sanjaya tries to assault our ears?
• Spencer Pratt. Hecklerspray calls him a “vainglorious puddle of sleaze,” and I don’t see how I can improve upon that. Sure, he may gag on a walking stick insect when he crams it into his pie hole, be he can also gag me with a forklift when he utters pearls like “My hustle is just too crazy. I’m trying to take over the world!”
  

  Will Spencer sit in the big boy chair?

• Stephen Baldwin. From “Born on the Fourth of July” to “Shark in Venice,” Barney Rubble (oops, I mean the littlest Baldwin brother) has set the silver screen back at least 20 years of instant money. If he isn’t box office poison, he certainly isn’t going anywhere unless Bam Bam carries him on his tiny shoulders. Anti-fans will delight at his heinous bullet ant bite on IACGMOOH.
• Sanjaya Malakar. Is it the hair, or is it the timeless music the flows from the center of this boy’s very being? We know he’s fascinated by flame (much like Frankenstein’s monster), and that he sings just as well. Fortunately, as Simon Cowell would attest, his dance moves were only slightly less spastic. He ate an iguana tail like it was nothing, so maybe the young man will be a boon to the spirits of the guys on “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here” USA. So long as there’s no disco competition, everything should be fine.

What do you think? Sound like a hoot to you, summer telly ticklers? Does it have you running to your local instant money store (or payday loans UK, if you live across the pond) for money to get your TV out of hock? Or are you saving your money for your lessons on how to become a celebrity, much like those on IACGMOOH? Shouldn’t cost much. Only those with hair product, a modicum of attractiveness (or scruffiness) and the ability to annoy need apply.

UPDATE: Heidi and Spencer are no longer on the show. At least you’ve got LDP…

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