The Obsession Continues

Monday night saw the premiere of the 14th season of ABC’s The Bachelor. I am rather ashamed to admit it, but it seems that my sick obsession will continue for yet another season. Now, I consider myself a fairly intelligent, educated person, but every time a new bachelor/bachelorette season rolls out I find myself getting sucked into the crazy vortex of absurdity that is this series. Really, I am not just a casual viewer of the show either. Oh no, I am compelled to go online and check out all of the spoiler alerts and conspiracy theories. I then sign onto my ABC account (that I have to admit I only created to comment on The Bachelor) and engage in ridiculous debates with other frenzied fans regarding the possible outcomes, clothing choices, sexual exploits and other meaningless details of the show.

It May be Hard to Stomach this One

I am aware that this all borders on mania, yet I cannot seem to stop. This year I am particularly disgusted with myself for actually considering watching. The new season features last season’s cast-off pilot, Jake Pavelka as the new bachelor and is nauseatingly entitled, On the Wings of Love. That’s right folks; your barf bags are located in the forward compartment. The thing is that I did not even like Jake on the last season of the series. He was whiney, desperate, clingy and overly emotional. I picture him falling in love with everyone immediately and having several breakdowns each episode. In fact, when I heard that he was one of the options for the next season I vowed not to watch if he was chosen, but now I am desperate for my fix and have noticed myself getting drawn into the commercials promoting the upcoming episodes.

Just as I Suspected

Within the first half hour, before Jake had even met all of the bachelorettes, he looked on the verge of tears when the host asked what he thought of the ladies he had just met. Unfortunately, like a car wreck that you cannot turn away from, I continued to watch. The next hour saw two of the bachelorettes burst into tears over this guy who they had known for all of an hour or two and had probably spoken to for only a few short minutes. When it came down to choosing his 15 favorites from the original 25 he, rather predictably chose the craziest one of the bunch. Of course this could just be some clever editing on ABC’s part, but there seems to be at least one overzealous contestant every season. Time will tell I suppose.

It is Going to be a Crazy Ride

It is a whole new season of madness that has already seen tears, costumes, cattiness and a football game in heels and ball gowns. I heard the boarding call and have reluctantly jumped on. The clips of the upcoming episodes show practically everyone in the house crying at one point or another and of course there is the ever-present promise of the most shocking season yet. So who is with me? Who will be among those carrying this shameful secret? Hiding from your friends? Avoiding your spouse? Who will watch this season of the Bachelor, causing ABC to continue with this absurd roller-coaster?

Cory Monteith plays Finn on "Glee." Image from Wikimedia.

There is a finite amount of money out there and a seemingly infinite number of people competing for it. There is also no limit to the amount of said limited supply of money that each person wants. Thus, any time something becomes popular, the makers of that product inevitably try to think of ways to make more money off of it.

The down side is that we, the consumer, end up needing instant loans in order to be able to afford all the stuff we want. The upside is that there’s constant innovation going on and always new, better products and entertainment.

Innovation in television

The entertainment industry is one of the most lucrative on the planet, and television is a big part of that. Since the inception of “The Real World,” which now seems like ancient history, television has blurred the lines between reality and fiction. Reality shows started out as “real people,” as in not actors, being put into contrived but unscripted situations.

This idea has flourished and grown into a large, tangled web where reality and fiction are sometimes difficult to decipher. Way back in the ’60s, a real band, The Monkees, were incorporated into a fictional TV show. Today, the opposite seems to be happening. The fictional TV show “Glee,” starring the fictional glee club, seems to be spawning a real, live musical act.

Album and tour in the future

Did you know that the cast of “Glee” is going on tour? After millions of fans downloaded songs from the TV show, producers decided it would be a good idea to take the show on the road. So instead of live performers turning to acting after they become famous, these TV actors will become live performers. Also, after the season is finished, a “Glee” album will be released.

When the free market spawns wonderful, gleeful (snicker) entertainment like this, I applaud it. I am so glad to see that even though video game companies and filmmakers are making a killing off of violence, there is still a huge audience out there for positive messages and music. Sure, the TV show “Glee” has some rough moments and some scandalous themes, but at the end of the day it just leaves the viewer wanting to sing and shake her booty. And what’s wrong with that?

So, what do you think about “Glee”? Are you glad that more glee goodness is coming your way? Will you go see the glee club in concert?

When it comes to what television programs are going to stick like instant money during the summer schedule, there’s no sure thing. There’s always something better to do than watch television, but many people fall into the trap because it’s easy to tune in and turn off your brain. Yet the summer months lure us outside with the siren song of warmer temperatures, beachfront bonfires and the chance to rub lotion into someone you care about. TV has nothing on that, not to mention reading a book or drafting your plan to live in the British Isles without help from payday loans from the UK.

But let’s assume for the moment that you care about what’s on the tube this summer. If you’re a sucker for reality TV and the folly of pretty (pretty vacuous) celebrities, give “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here” USA a try. According to Entertainment Weekly scribe Ken Tucker, the celebrities have “imagination to burn.” That has to be enough to ensnare you. They had me at “the,” but then I looked around my desk and spied a can of Cheese Whiz. At that point, they lost me.

As stupid as it needs to be

Contrary to what most people might think about pseudo-famous individuals who take part in shows like this, they aren’t the problem with the show. In fact, as Tucker sees it, they’re fun. However, everything else – the hosts, the competitions and the total the lack of production imagination – is tough to ignore. But dutiful d-bags like “The Hills” Spencer Pratt step up to the challenge. In the recent premiere episode, he calls NBC President Ben Silverman to complain about having to tough it out in Costa Rica.

Then there’s former “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya Malakar, who is transfixed by the physics of flame, “the whole concept of how it works.” Stephen Baldwin eats tripe and Mrs. Heidi Pratt, (aka Heidi Montag) makes excuses for her new husband’s boorishness with this born-again explanation: “My husband is a very new Christian,” so he should be… forgiven. Oh-kaaay… let me say something positive here, because that’s what Christians are supposed to do, right? “Gee Heidi, you’re so pretty. And you’re such a good self-promoter…” Ooops, guess I’m not a Christian…

Madame President gets a manicure

Wait, Tucker tells us we mustn’t forget Janice Dickinson, who tells Patti Blagojevich that she needs to “set the record straight” about her husband Rod. Spencer would vote for his for president, so there. My voting choice is locked in – I vote for Heidi.

But what’s the point of the show?

“I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here” USA is only nutty like that in sporadic burps. But as mirthless hosts Damien Fahey and Myleene Klass  remind us, it’s all about the “Fear Factor”-style contests. Eat squirming bugs, wallow in the muck and say “witty” things. Then the hosts will lather, rinse and repeat the celebrity gems. It’s nothing new, which is why you should get while the getting is splashy. Heidi and Spencer will say a little prayer if you do…

Let’s get a rundown of the males on the show

The English blog Hecklerspray sees “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here” USA as a pale imitation of the British original, largely because the hosts merely rehash the down and dirty action, rather than spurring it on with “cheeky” commentary. But in spite of its shortcomings, the show appears to warrant a background report  on the “stars” in the game. I’ve mentioned Heidi and Janice already, but they work for “the other team.” These guys are going to step up to the plate, swing the lumber and hit it out of the park. Revel in their awesomeness:

• Lou Diamond Phillips. “La Bamba,” “Young Guns” and “Extreme Justice” highlight the career path of LDP. Oh, and he also played a sheriff in a movie called “Bats.” In IACGMOOH, he takes on Patti Blagojevich and manages to eat more tarantula than the Chicago girl can stomach. Hopefully that takes some of the sting out of having been married to Julie Cypher, who went on to have two children with Melissa Etheridge, thanks to donations from David Crosby. Call a hazmat team, stat!
• John Salley. “The Spider” was a key role player on the Detroit Pistons and Los Angeles Lakers during four NBA Championship runs. He was a long, lanky shot blocker who could help out on defense, but will he be able to stuff block any attempts at singing with which Sanjaya tries to assault our ears?
• Spencer Pratt. Hecklerspray calls him a “vainglorious puddle of sleaze,” and I don’t see how I can improve upon that. Sure, he may gag on a walking stick insect when he crams it into his pie hole, be he can also gag me with a forklift when he utters pearls like “My hustle is just too crazy. I’m trying to take over the world!”
  

  Will Spencer sit in the big boy chair?

• Stephen Baldwin. From “Born on the Fourth of July” to “Shark in Venice,” Barney Rubble (oops, I mean the littlest Baldwin brother) has set the silver screen back at least 20 years of instant money. If he isn’t box office poison, he certainly isn’t going anywhere unless Bam Bam carries him on his tiny shoulders. Anti-fans will delight at his heinous bullet ant bite on IACGMOOH.
• Sanjaya Malakar. Is it the hair, or is it the timeless music the flows from the center of this boy’s very being? We know he’s fascinated by flame (much like Frankenstein’s monster), and that he sings just as well. Fortunately, as Simon Cowell would attest, his dance moves were only slightly less spastic. He ate an iguana tail like it was nothing, so maybe the young man will be a boon to the spirits of the guys on “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here” USA. So long as there’s no disco competition, everything should be fine.

What do you think? Sound like a hoot to you, summer telly ticklers? Does it have you running to your local instant money store (or payday loans UK, if you live across the pond) for money to get your TV out of hock? Or are you saving your money for your lessons on how to become a celebrity, much like those on IACGMOOH? Shouldn’t cost much. Only those with hair product, a modicum of attractiveness (or scruffiness) and the ability to annoy need apply.

UPDATE: Heidi and Spencer are no longer on the show. At least you’ve got LDP…

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