No, that’s not it. It much simpler than that, and much more sensational. The Montauk Monster continues to grab headlines! Happy July 4, you charred raccoon… or whatever you are… I can understand that the creature has its image to think about. And considering how much the paparazzi pay for photographs anymore (Where’s TMZ when you need them?) – it’s a great way to earn some spread and stay ahead of bill collectors. I had the unfortunate occasion to come into contact with bill collectors years ago, and each of them struck me as the type of people who would jump at the chance to set up an automatic deduction with a dried rat dog. If the Montauk Monster needs money to beat back the freaks, I say a payday loan (or payday loans) pave a great path. But once the public discovers the creature’s history, perhaps they’ll realize that all of this (except the payday loans part) is dumb-butt stupid.

Ancestral history – Um, OK

Russell Drumm writes in the East Hampton Star that the Montauk Monster is not a fluke. In fact, it’s history may date back 100 years, when a strange creature was discovered in a Montauk fish trap. The Star reported on it then, too, he says:

Great excitement has been caused by the finding, in a fish trap off Montauk, of what is declared to be a sea serpent measuring 22 feet in length, having a neck six feet long and a tail about eight feet. It is considered the greatest discovery of the kind ever made on the east end of Long Island, and seems to prove beyond a doubt that the sea serpent is not a myth, as everyone supposed, but a verity.

Verily, ’twas a verity. Aliens are among us, and we don’t need Rowdy Roddy specs to see them.

A ceremony worthy of Beowulf

Then there’s Camp Hero on Plum Island. Rumors have been spread about bizarre animal experiments that involve time travel, but the reality of the situation is that veterinarians have trained there. What about the guys who found a dead raccoon around Shelter Island? Reports indicate they put it in a child’s floaty and lit the beast on fire, Viking funeral-style. Post-immolation, it washed up on shore at Montauk, in front of Surfside restaurant. That seems plausible, and fun. A cell phone picture of the carcass has filled cyberspace with Montauk Monster fever. The symptoms are a fascination with the bizarre and a total inability to pee straight.

Sliced by a vorpal blade

Was there really a caravan of giant walrus cows in the Montauk marina? It was the summer of 1998. Back then, the creature turned out to be a manatee over 1,000 miles off course. How did it get here? Was it spirited away to Montauk by the ghost of Rod Serling? Was Miyazaki-san involved?

1909 – The Year of the Serpent

The newspapers raged over the topic. Sea creatures grabbed headlines in The Star, The Brooklyn Eagle, and The Suffolk Times, writes Drumm. Everyone was weighing in with their ideas as to what the next strange creatures discovered in the area was. Oarfish, not a serpent. Or perhaps a whip-tail shark. “Experts” appeared and floated their theories, which served only to whip readers into a frothy state of suspicion. What are newspapers for, anyway? The fisherman I cited at the beginning of this story was inundated with requests for photos, but he had none to give. Following the trail, The Star used their journalistic moxie to discover the following:

The fish is no longer on exhibition, because John Barre, who found it, thinks that the people are making more money out of it than he is, and so he has placed the serpent up in the garret of his house and now anybody who wants to see it or take pictures of it must pay his price. The figure quoted for taking pictures of it was $25.

A heft sum in those days, but Mr. Barre knew how to milk a cash cow. If payday loans had existed then, people would have used them to reserve their sports in line. Think of all the payday loans that would have circulated. What a miracle this think commerce is… Related Video:

According to Blue Öyster Cult, we don’t need to fear the reaper. However, should we be afraid of the Montauk Monster and whether the Umbrella Corporation is operating the Plum Island Animal Disease Center off the coast of Long Island, New York?

For those of you who aren’t video gamers or fans of Mila Jovovich celluloid potboilers (those of you who don’t need installment loans and credit cards to buy movie tickets, that is), I should explain that the Umbrella Corporation is a fictional organization from the “Resident Evil” series. Their experiments in biological terror made life difficult for all non-zombies. In the real world, some people are afraid that the appearance of a decayed animal body (the “Montauk Monster“) on New York’s coast is indicative of foul deeds at the Plum Island Abandoned Animal Disease Center.

It clawed its way ashore

MSNBC reports that this has happened before. The recent appearance of the Montauk Monster on New York shores happened in July of 2008. Nicky Papers, caretaker of a Web site devoted to the nefarious legend, claims he was contacted on May 5 by a couple who believe that they had discovered yet another Montauk Monster (or the same, returned to the surfing grounds upon which it first sounded its barbaric yawp to a vulnerable Earth?). Whatever the case, the North Fork of Long Island was marked by the fiendish spawn.

After inspecting the remains, Papers exclaimed that “the beast smelled like a mix of low-tide and rotten garbage. It really smelled horrific. I couldn’t help but take numerous pictures of it and video clips.”

The truth must be found

“If this is a genetic mishap from Plum Island, we’d like to sell the remains to an independent lab for study,” writes Papers. “It has become a race against the clock as the couple who originally found ‘Beastie’ are diligently putting more ice into the cooler to keep the carcass fresh.”

Shuffling his Papers

Is the Montauk Monster a hoax? Or is it merely a decayed raccoon as some animal experts have claimed? Whatever the case, Papers has been tireless in his investigation. He claims he has “dedicated quite a bit of time to debunking all theories presented regarding the Montauk Monster” since his Web site hit the World Wide Web last summer.

“I haven’t ruled out biological warfare on this yet,” said Papers. “A diseased carcass floating in waterways around Long Island could be infecting the water.”

Plum Island Animal Disease Center

Some less biological warfare-minded members of the blogosphere have advanced the theory that the Montauk Monster has appeared as part of a viral marketing ploy for an independent film.  But the specter of the Plum Island Animal Disease Center simply won’t go away. Who knows what dangers – what unspoken evils – go on in those dark halls? The screams of the lambs never quite fade away. Sure, it’s shut down. Everything should be quiet there. But is it? IS IT? Perhaps George W. Bush and numerous presidents before him know the answer!

Beware. Take care. The Montauk Monster may rise again. Do you know where your installment loans and credit cards are?

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