No, that’s not it. It much simpler than that, and much more sensational. The Montauk Monster continues to grab headlines! Happy July 4, you charred raccoon… or whatever you are… I can understand that the creature has its image to think about. And considering how much the paparazzi pay for photographs anymore (Where’s TMZ when you need them?) – it’s a great way to earn some spread and stay ahead of bill collectors. I had the unfortunate occasion to come into contact with bill collectors years ago, and each of them struck me as the type of people who would jump at the chance to set up an automatic deduction with a dried rat dog. If the Montauk Monster needs money to beat back the freaks, I say a payday loan (or payday loans) pave a great path. But once the public discovers the creature’s history, perhaps they’ll realize that all of this (except the payday loans part) is dumb-butt stupid.

Ancestral history – Um, OK

Russell Drumm writes in the East Hampton Star that the Montauk Monster is not a fluke. In fact, it’s history may date back 100 years, when a strange creature was discovered in a Montauk fish trap. The Star reported on it then, too, he says:

Great excitement has been caused by the finding, in a fish trap off Montauk, of what is declared to be a sea serpent measuring 22 feet in length, having a neck six feet long and a tail about eight feet. It is considered the greatest discovery of the kind ever made on the east end of Long Island, and seems to prove beyond a doubt that the sea serpent is not a myth, as everyone supposed, but a verity.

Verily, ’twas a verity. Aliens are among us, and we don’t need Rowdy Roddy specs to see them.

A ceremony worthy of Beowulf

Then there’s Camp Hero on Plum Island. Rumors have been spread about bizarre animal experiments that involve time travel, but the reality of the situation is that veterinarians have trained there. What about the guys who found a dead raccoon around Shelter Island? Reports indicate they put it in a child’s floaty and lit the beast on fire, Viking funeral-style. Post-immolation, it washed up on shore at Montauk, in front of Surfside restaurant. That seems plausible, and fun. A cell phone picture of the carcass has filled cyberspace with Montauk Monster fever. The symptoms are a fascination with the bizarre and a total inability to pee straight.

Sliced by a vorpal blade

Was there really a caravan of giant walrus cows in the Montauk marina? It was the summer of 1998. Back then, the creature turned out to be a manatee over 1,000 miles off course. How did it get here? Was it spirited away to Montauk by the ghost of Rod Serling? Was Miyazaki-san involved? East Hampton fisherman Stuart Vorpahl (like the vorpal blade that killed the Jabberwocky?) remembers a strange encounter he had there. “At Oyster Pond bend in Montauk, a big rotten mess on the beach. It could have been a squid, but who knows? That was 40 years ago, if it was a day,” he recalled. Whatever the case, he claims the thing he found had eyes the “diameter of a soccer ball.” Unfortunately, no photographic evidence survived the meeting.

1909 – The Year of the Serpent

The newspapers raged over the topic. Sea creatures grabbed headlines in The Star, The Brooklyn Eagle, and The Suffolk Times, writes Drumm. Everyone was weighing in with their ideas as to what the next strange creatures discovered in the area was. Oarfish, not a serpent. Or perhaps a whip-tail shark. “Experts” appeared and floated their theories, which served only to whip readers into a frothy state of suspicion. What are newspapers for, anyway? The fisherman I cited at the beginning of this story was inundated with requests for photos, but he had none to give. Following the trail, The Star used their journalistic moxie to discover the following:

The fish is no longer on exhibition, because John Barre, who found it, thinks that the people are making more money out of it than he is, and so he has placed the serpent up in the garret of his house and now anybody who wants to see it or take pictures of it must pay his price. The figure quoted for taking pictures of it was $25.

A heft sum in those days, but Mr. Barre knew how to milk a cash cow. If payday loans had existed then, people would have used them to reserve their sports in line. Think of all the payday loans that would have circulated. What a miracle this think commerce is… Related Video:

If you’re an American, what are you doing to celebrate the Fourth of July this year. Are you checking out the fireworks shows? I know that I’ll be taking my children to see something in my neighborhood, even though my little son is still a little bit frightened by the loud noises. But how can you not love a sky filled with sparkling colored diamonds and trails of glory making a shining road map of the night?

In a healthy, controlled way, we love to blow stuff up. I think it’s one of the requirements of being an American. But blowing stuff up is expensive, something most of us don’t need any more of these days. Not only is the stuff part expensive, but so are the explosives (if you want it done right). Fast cash for sparklers, quick cash for cherry bombs – wait, wait, that’s not legal in most places. Forget I said that. But don’t forget the fast cash and quick cash; they’re perfectly legal and perfectly fine for what ails your budget in the short term.

But where have all the boom booms gone?

MSNBC reports that the skies will be silent over places like Colorado Springs, Colorado this July 4th. The recession has struck hard, and many cities are feeling the pinch. To the disappointment of the 50,000-plus who normally show up for the annual fireworks show, the Colorado Springs City Council voted to cancel the show in the interests of saving money. The well of donors has mostly dried up, so they had no other choice.

Typically, local business sponsorships and Chamber of Commerce money is enough to fund much of what is required, but the cities themselves still have other expenses to cover. Things like overtime for police, fire and emergency crews, public works cleanup and liability insurance and huge issues, according to Cranston, Rhode Island Mayor Allan Fung. Worker layoffs, tax increases and public service cutbacks make fireworks shows seem a bit less important.

Their guns won’t fire

Here are just a few of the places MSNBC notes are cutting back on fireworks shows for July 4:

• Even though Springfield, Missouri plans to host the National Fireworks Association’s annual convention in 2010, budget cutbacks have forced them to turn away an expected crowd of 70,000 this year
• In Michael Moore’s hometown of Flint, Michigan, city officials canceled their fireworks shows. Not long after,  the Downtown Development Authority ponied up $10,000 to light up the skies. It was back on… until Flint canceled the show again! Apparently the donation came too late for the city to make service plans for the event
• Public donations were needed for fireworks shows in Charles Town, West Virginia. Last year’s show reportedly cost the city $17,000. Unfortunately, they fell short. Happy July 4… let’s play Yahtzee!

Is your city man enough? Big and bad enough?

“These are the things people look forward to,” said Utica, New York Mayor David Roefaro. “They love the fireworks. It’s part of America.”

It’s all a matter of how much you want fireworks shows, I suppose. In Gilbertsville, Kentucky, businesses and community leaders teamed up to raise $5,000 to save the annual show at Lake Bartley Resort. This came after the state canceled shows in its state parks, to the disappointment of all.

“It didn’t take us maybe an hour to get the funds necessary to have a decent show, and that’s what we’ve done,” said local businessman Walter Taylor. “We just didn’t want it to stop.”

Worse luck next year

Light a candle, 'cause that's all you're getting

While last-ditch efforts may have saved numerous fireworks shows around the country this year, next year may not be so lucky. New Orleans’ Dueling Barges Fireworks Extravaganza – ranked the nation’s best by priceline.com – will not happen next year unless donors come through with all of the money. Salt Lake City’s show at Sugar House Park (Utah’s biggest fireworks show) will need a lot more money if the rockets are to launch in 2010. Their show costs around $27,000, money that the city has decided is more important to retain for upkeep in next year’s budget.

Lex Hemphill, president of the Park Authority board, said that “Nobody on the board is happy to be facing this, but we just have a greater demand for the use of that money now than fireworks.”

Is there no quick cash? No fast cash? Will love of patriotism explode in the skies again?

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