Whether you have car trouble, a late bill that needs paying, or need to buy groceries a week before payday, there are always times when you need money ASAP. There are some things that just can’t or shouldn’t wait. Maybe your employer couldn’t make payroll or a check you were expecting got lost in the mail. When you’re faced with the tough decision to pay the mortgage late or buy groceries, there are always options.

You could:

• Borrow money from family
• Try to sell your belongings
• Go to a payday loan store
• Take your valuables to a pawn shop
• Ask a friend for some cash

None of those options are ideal. In all reality being out of cash is embarrassing, and society tends to place a stigma on anybody who needs money right away no matter how honest and hard-working the person is.

New technology now allows for a better way to borrow:

Instant Online Loans

With just a short online form you can get cash directly deposited into your checking account in as little as two hours. You don’t even need to go to a fax machine to fax back and forth loan paperwork. All you need is a computer, internet connection and regular income. Most people who receive instant online loans are employed and just need extra cash fast, but many borrowers are self employed or on a fixed income.

The best part about instant online loans is that they are 100 percent confidential. You won’t have to worry about your friends and family seeing you at the pawn shop or payday loan store. You don’t even have to leave your home! It’s free to apply and only takes a few minutes to get started on an instant online loan application, so definitely consider trying it. When you need the money and you want privacy, instant online loans are the solution.

Start Your Instant Online Loans Application Here!

Image from Picasa.

Apparently, it has been discovered that the Baby Einstein video series, created for children younger than two, does not turn babies into geniuses. In fact, the Times Online reports that watching videos of any type might be harmful for children that age.

After a drawn out process that involved dropping a complaint against the company in 2007 and then re-opening it, the Baby Einstein recall has been issued officially. The company says it will refund all Baby Einstein video purchases between June 5, 2004, and Sept. 4, 2009.

Baby Einstein recall a curious case

The time period that the Baby Einstein recall covers includes an incident during which President Bush recognized Baby Einstein company founder Julie Aigner-Clark as an “American hero.” At the time, the Federal Trade Commission was already investigating a complaint against Baby Einstein.

Aigner-Clark had already made some fast cash by selling her company to Disney, but the complaint includes Aigner-Clark because her image is still used to market Baby Einstein, and she is the one who named the company. The complaint directly addresses the name, as “Baby Einstein” indicates that the product will make children smart, although it might actually do the opposite.

Is Baby Einstein recall symbolic?

Now that the Baby Einstein recall has been issued, the complainants seem satisfied. A Slate article rightfully points out that the Baby Einstein recall is important, not because people can get back the few dollars they spend on videos, but because it’s the company’s way of admitting that its products are ineffective.

Furthermore, the Baby Einstein recall publicizes the fact that the videos will not turn children into geniuses, and that’s the real purpose of the complaint: to educate people about the fact that watching videos and TV at such a young age can be bad for kids.

Based on this inromation, it seems logical that the Baby Einstein recall would apply to all purchases of Baby Einstein videos since the company started selling the products in 1997. However, refunds only will be issued for purchases made during the designated time period.

Something about a reaping? (Photo: Eyehook.com)

Death by ferrets may be in your future, or cardiac arrest. Admittedly, it could be a freak game show accident. Whatever the case, you’re going to want to know what your risk of dying is, because it always pays to be prepared. That’s where Death Risk Rankings comes in. The results may be more conventional than ferrets and game show accidents; in fact, it’s mostly statistical. Know your odds, know your most likely means of death. If you like, get some fast cash and wager on those odds… just be sure not to bet against yourself. Not only would that be unintelligent, but in this case it would be unconscionable.

It needn’t be a self-fulfilling prophecy, however

FOX News reports that with Death Risk Rankings, you can get the odds on whether you’ll die next year or on any date you specify. Answer a few questions and the odds of your death will unfold before your very eyes! This is something you must know. If you need fast cash to keep your ISP from shutting you down, apply here… you must live long enough online to know how and when you’ll die!

Created by researchers at Carnegie Mellon University, Death Risk Rankings takes the answers to your questions and compares it with publicly available information from U.S. and European databases. Such things as mortality risks by gender, odds of death by age, death causes and odds of death by geographic region are all cross-analyzed against the data you provide Death Risk Rankings. Afterward, you’ll know the most probably cause of your death, as well as the probable time.

Hayley Mills and Lindsay Lohan are not in danger (immediate danger, at least)

If you’re one of the twins from “The Parent Trap” and you want to know which of you is more likely to die of breast cancer, Death Risk Rankings can help. It’s a beautiful thing. Keep in mind that the results at Death Risk Rankings are tailored to groups of society rather than individuals, so please don’t sue if unstable angina fail to strike you down at the predicted time. There are many variables in play. For instance, you could consume a bad pastry or contract a rare monkey disease. Who can say? Accidents do happen.

But don’t you just want to know?

That kind of knowledge warms the cockles like fast cash in the bank.

“It turns out that the British woman has a 33 percent higher risk of breast cancer death. But for lung/throat cancer, the results are almost reversed, and the Pennsylvania woman has a 29 percent higher risk,” explained Paul Fischbeck, Death Risk Rankings developer.

Economics professor David Gerard told FOX that “Most Americans don’t have a particularly good understanding of their own mortality risks, let alone ranking of their relevant risks.” In this way, Death Risk Rankings should prove to be a useful. Know if that Slip ‘n Slide will kill you, or whether you have a date with kidney failure. It could change the way you look at taking care of yourself.

By the numbers

According to Death Risk Rankings research, FOX reports the following benchmark data:

A 20-year-old U.S. woman has a 1 in 2,000 (or 0.05 percent) chance of dying in the next year, for example. By age 40, the risk is three times greater; by age 60, it is 16 times greater; and by age 80, it is 100 times greater (around 1 in 20 or 5 percent).

The risk becomes exponentially greater. However, Gerard takes some of the sting out of that octogenarian sentence by reminding us that “At 80, the average U.S. woman still has a 95 percent chance of making it to her 81st birthday.” You’ve come a long way, baby… what’s a little thing like Death Risk Rankings going to do to stop you now?

What about men? They die too, don’t they?

If you are indeed a zombie, you're throwing off the Death Risk Rankings curve. Stop it! (Photo: glyphjockey.com)

Yes, indeed they do, and Death Risk Rankings is there to cover the carnage. While studies by fast cash lenders show that men take advantage of fast cash more often than women, that doesn’t seem to save them from having a “much higher annual death risk” than females. The dark tale, as told by Death Risk Rankings:

For 20-year-olds, the risk is 2.5 to three times greater for men. Men are much more prone to accidents, homicides and suicides, and the risk of dying from heart disease is always higher for men than women, peaking in the 50s when men are 2.5 times at greater risk of dying.

Men have accidents. Women have cancer.

Women in their 30s and 40s show a higher instance of cancer than men, according to Death Risk Rankings. Racially, African-Americans are statistically more prone to heart disease and cancer than Caucasians. They’re also “twice as likely to die within the year as their white counterparts,” which could reflect socio-economic disparity and affiliation with negative peer groups. Yes, gang violence is what I’m talking about. It happens to all races, but Death Risk Rankings indicates a greater statistical chance that African-Americans will die in that age group. But Caucasians have a much higher (as much as three times greater) instance of suicide.

Young people tend to be more prone to death by accident. Death Risk Rankings doesn’t speculate as to why. I think it’s the psychological burden of knowing that some of them were accidents themselves. Whoops!

So large, no coffin would hold him

Obesity is a huge problem in the United States, much more so than in Europe per Death Risk Rankings. Fast cash on burgers and fries here would loosely translate to fast cash for a cup of coffee, maybe some tapas and real conversation (as opposed to texting or Facebook updates). Thanks to our horrible diets, Americans are generally more predisposed to diabetes (three times higher than Europeans, in the 60-year-old age range). If you love to supersize, Death Risk Rankings will make you a statistic.

Adding info to the health care reform debate

Yes, you knew this was coming. The statistics that indicate just how many people are failed by America’s imbalanced health care system – including those who may have taken care of themselves but still faced illness and could afford no insurance, you Social Darwinists – are right there, waiting to be exposed by Death Risk Rankings. Creator Fischbeck and Gerard see it as a useful tool in helping Congress decide.

“We believe that this tool, which allows anyone to assess their own risk of dying and to compare their risks with counterparts in the United States and Europe, could help inform the public and constructively engage them in the debate,” Fischbeck said.

Get fast cash here. Check Death Risk Rankings to see how quickly you’ll need to spend it

Related Video:

Nest eggs are hard to come by when you live on chicken feed

The rent is due

Your landlord doesn’t care why you’re down and out. He makes a bundle, but he won’t pay a penny for your thoughts. In his eyes you’re a deadbeat and he wants cold hard cash. You live from hand to mouth and every month you pay an arm and a leg to help your landlord make money hand over fist. You pay through the nose for the leaking roof over your head while your landlord lives high on the hog.

The golden rule doesn’t seem to apply when it’s time to pony up. Your landlord was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and you can bet your bottom dollar he won’t wait until payday.  You’re going to have to pay on the nail.

When you’re caught short, cut your losses with a quick payday loan. Dollars for doughnuts, you can make ends meet with an online cash advance so long as paying it back on payday won’t leave you strapped for cash again.

The weekend is coming

You’re hard up and payday is still a week away. You’re not a cheapskate, but you don’t ride the gravy train, either. Although you have generous friends who somehow manage to stay in the black, it’s humiliating when they always have to pick up the tab. You live on a shoestring, but you don’t like someone else footing the bill all the time.

For my money, a quick cash loan is the way to go if you can pay it back on payday and still have a little money to burn. Your friends may have hearts of gold, but when it comes to having fun, it sure feels good to pay your share out of your own pocket.

It’s on sale now

You aren't made of money, but that new tent is sound as a pound

At $189, that new two-person tent with mesh vents and detachable rain-cover seemed like highway robbery. But at the end-of-summer sale, it’s looking cheap at half the price. You’ve been pinching pennies all summer for a weekend camp-out at the lake, but payday is two weeks away and the sale ends tomorrow. They’re selling your tent for a song and you’re counting down until payday.

If you don’t come up with some extra cash right away, you’re going to be a day late and a dollar short. If you can pay the piper on payday and still cover all your expenses without having to borrow again, it may make good sense to get a personal loan now. A quick loan won’t cost the earth, and you’ll feel like a million bucks, camped by the lake in that luxurious tent, safe from the bugs and rain.

It’s going to bounce

You don’t have two pennies to rub together, and your math skills are in the hole, too. You just found a mistake in your check book and you’ve overdrawn your account. It wasn’t intentional, but the bank won’t let you put in your two cents: You’re going to get hit with some hefty overdraft fees if you don’t come up with some fast cash.

It sure would be nice to be loaded and to be able to solve advanced math problems at the drop of a dime, too.  But you’re not.  You’re going to take a beating and your bank is going to make a killing if you don’t do something quickly. All that glitters is not gold, but in a situation like this, an online cash advance is pay dirt worth every red cent.

I know that Michael Jackson died and that the Chevy Volt is expected to retail for around $40,000. I’ve heard of Twitter and I understand that Hillary Clinton had an emotional outburst in a foreign country.

Except for random news like this that I assimilate by accident, I don’t know anything about important events and trends. Sometimes when I need a break from my online search for fast cash from a cheap payday loan, I attempt to bring myself into cultural conformity by glancing at Google Trends, but I never have a clue what I’m looking at.

Effectively concise and to the point

Today, however, at number 67, wedged between cunagin sypher and starwood property trust was laconic, a word I recognized. How did a word like laconic make it to the Google Hot Trends list? With so many colorful search-terms to choose from — more to love episode 3, mutant parakeet, driven media, myfreecar, and erector spykee the spy robot, to name just a few – why would so many people, relative to total search volume, type something so pedestrian as laconic into their Google search bars?

Very brief in statement or expression

So I put my search for unsecured loans on the back burner, and clicked on laconic. Sure enough I didn’t understand what I was looking at. I resumed my search for the cheapest personal loan, but I couldn’t stay away from laconic. I came back to Google Trends just a minute later, and to my horror, laconic had already slipped to number 88 on the list, just after us mexico soccer and before mark boresow. I clicked on laconic again and began to study in earnest.

Tending not to speak frequently

The first thing I learned is that some Elvis reincarnation named Robert Pattinson delivered a “pretty laconic speech” at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards when he said “that to him Twilight fans ‘are the hottest hotties and the hottest teens.’” So I learned that when you haven’t had much practice speaking, one way to be laconic is to use a single free morpheme like hot as many times as you can in one short sentence.

Precise expression with an economy of words

The next thing I learned is that Jimmy Bedford died and that he was a lean, laconic Tennessean whose job it was to make sure Jack Daniel’s Old No. 7 Tennessee Whiskey tasted just the way it had since 1866. For 20 years as master distiller he sipped whiskey without swallowing, and he once said, “People tell me I have more will power than anyone they’ve ever known.” From Jimmy Bedford’s story, I learned that without wasted words, 9.5 million cases of whiskey can be dispatched to 135 countries every year.

Terse and to the point

The next entry was more difficult to decipher. As near as I could tell, a horror punk group called Offcuts released a recording “that sounds at the same time laconic and mightily ?!*#ed off but they do it no favours in burying it with distorted screams.” From this, I learned that not everyone who uses a sesquipedalian term like laconic knows how to look it up.

Brevity of speech

Then I learned something important about TV-watching. Starting next March, there will be a new show called Lawman and it will be marked by Timothy Olyphant’s “easy drawl” and “laconic, very Elmore Leonardesque dialogue.” This wasn’t in the article, but I happen to know that Elmore Leonard is the author and screenwriter who said, “Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.” Thanks to Google Trends, I now also know that when the dialogue is short and terse and easy to understand, a new TV show can be a real “humdinger.”

Short, brief, and pithy

The next entry was a blog site called “Laconic Reply” from which I learned that even if you have your very own blog site and you put laconic in the name of it, you might still need 588 words to express your opinion that gender stereotypes are bad things. All because you didn’t look up laconic before you started blogging on your very own site.

Concise to the point of seeming rude, uninterested, or mysterious

I learned all this just today on Google Trends. But already I’m behind the times again, because laconic has now slipped off the Hot Trends list and neither jj hardy, marisa elise, porcini louisville, nor any of the other 97 entries means anything to me. So I’m going to concentrate on getting some quick cash now, because as luck would have it, it’s easier to fill out a personal loan application than it is to keep up with all these crazy trends.

And you thought this type of caffeine had a big effect on business productivity.

There’s no doubt about the fact that Google is the go-to search engine for a vast majority of the world. While most casual users do appreciate the power inherent with being the world’s most-used search engine, it’s a little crazy to think of the extent this power goes to. Some people use Google to get fast cash, but there are long-term business plans and jobs that are built around the way Google works.

The mammoth search engine is introducing Google Caffeine, which the company says will increase the search engine’s speed as well as change page rankings, the order in which pages appear on Google after users type in search terms. This has ramifications for several types of businesses, not to mention individual jobs. Let’s look at a few categories of businesses that could be affected by Google Caffeine.

Google

Of course, the company is releasing Google Caffeine for its own reasons. Even though the search engine is by far the most-used in the world right now, that doesn’t mean it’s untouchable. The Guardian reports:

Despite that lead, a series of threats have emerged recently that have seen the company redouble its efforts. Chief among them is Microsoft’s continuing effort to break into the top tier of the search business, which has so far included rebranding its search engine as Bing.com and scoring a deal to take control of Yahoo’s search business.

Other possible contenders for the future of the business have emerged, too, including a “knowledge engine” called Wolfram Alpha, designed by British-born physicist Stephen Wolfram; and the emergence of so-called “real-time search” through websites like Facebook and Twitter.

Built in to the reality that Google Caffeine is aimed at keeping the top search engine in that position, it carries ramifications for Google’s competition.

Sales and marketing firms

Everyone knows that to make money, you must have a product or service to sell. Getting a high page ranking on Google is a huge advantage for anyone who offers products and services online. People used to crack open a phone book when they wanted to order pizza, find a mechanic or call the movie theater to find out movie times.

Now, people go to Google and type in “mechanic” or “pizza.” So firms hire people who focus on getting their business to pop up as close to the top as possible on the Google search engine when people type in those search terms. PC World writes:

For those businesses that live-and-die based on Google-generated traffic, this is potentially a very big deal.

In a blog post announcing the project, Google suggested that Caffeine could change search results, which raises the prospect of companies’ needing to change their search engine optimization (SEO) to protect their Google ranking.

The flip side

Just as Google Caffeine has inherent ramifications for its competitors, the potential effects on page rankings could affect SEO specialists as well as the people who cater to them. Yep, that’s a business too. PC World writes:

This also means a field day for those selling quick fixes that will supposedly give companies a top Google ranking. There’s nothing quite like something most people don’t understand, but that can dramatically effect your business, to give some people anxiety.

Relax. Fast cash is available. (Photo: tomecat.com)

Bills seem to pop up at the worst possible times. Most of the time, however, the payment isn’t due for another couple of weeks, meaning that even if you’re stressing now, you can wait until your next payday to pay it. And then, there are the times when you’re short on the cash but the option of waiting isn’t there, such as the teacher asking for money for your child’s class’ next activity, the daily commuter vehicle that just won’t stay in working order, a much larger security deposit than you budgeted to get into your new place or the child whose illness forces a trip to the emergency room. In such cases, you can depend on fast cash from Personal Money Store.

Get it when you need it

Fast cash is available through Personal Money Store and the lending network 24/7 to help you, whether you’ve fallen short on paying all of your regular bills or a one-time surprise has thrown a wrench into your budget’s works. In very little time, upon approval, you could be on the right road to acquiring quick payday loans, cheap payday loans, low fee payday loans, instant payday loans, no fax payday loans, easy online payday loans, same day payday loans, bad credit payday loans, installment payday loans or payday advance loans which require no credit check and can get you back on with your life faster than you could have ever imagined.

Smooth move

Coming to Personal Money Store for all of your faxless payday loans or payday loans online needs is quite a smart choice. After all, the immediate decisions that our representatives make as to whether you qualify for one of our lenders’ easy online payday loans means that you may be able to get the cash you need in an extremely timely fashion; sometimes in the same day that you’re approved.

Your information is secure online with us

The process is not only very quick, but quite simple as well. Once logged on, you will be asked to fill out a faxless application which will ask you some important questions in regards to your current employment status, monthly take home income, whether you receive a paper check or direct deposit from your employer and others purely to verify your ability to repay a loan, should you be approved. There is nothing to worry about, however, because the transmission of all sensitive information is encrypted to keep it out of reach of identity thieves and other cyber criminals.

We’ll call you

Still listening? (Photo: sophierulestheworld.blogspot.com)

Should your application be approved to be picked up by one of the lenders in our network, you will be contacted by one of their representatives by either telephone or email. It is then that they will make you an offer for online payday loans, payday cash loans, fast payday loans, easy payday loans or payday loans for bad credit if you’ve been working on building a brighter financial future. Upon acceptance of an offer, you will hear or read the terms and conditions of the loan, including any applicable fees, interest rates, methods of payment and so on. Once you fully understand the terms of the loan and the confirmation has been secured, your funds will be wired to you very quickly, sometimes in the same day that you’re approved!

Making you a match

Keep in mind that not everyone will be approved, though we do try to help everyone. We are not a lender, but rather a “match making” service of sorts that works, tooth and nail, to match people from all walks of life with a company who may be able to assist them in their time of need. On a final note, always use payday loans as short term help and not a long term financial solution. Those with credit problems should seek credit counseling.

So, if your situation calls for fast cash, pay us a visit today!

Have you ever seen a solar eclipse? It’s quite a site that shouldn’t be missed. Some people go to great trouble to view them, to the point of purchasing special lenses or traveling long distances in search of the optimal viewing experience. Thus, fast cash and cash loans have been in the repertoire of devoted sun worshipers.

The same will hold true for SOLAR ECLIPSE: JULY 2009

Rebecca Carroll reports for National Geographic that this eclipse will pass over some of Earth’s most densely populated areas on Wednesday, July 22. As a result, it will likely become the most viewed eclipse to date in human history. People in central India, Nepal, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Myanmar and parts of China will know darkness in daylight then. From Shanghai and Hangzhou, China alone, it is estimated by scientists that 30 million people will witness the event.

Where will it go after China?

Follow the path of the solar exclipse

Japan’s Ryukyu Islands will be in the eastbound path. Once at its maximum point over the Pacific Ocean, the moon will completely block the sun for six minutes and 39 seconds, according to NASA’s Fred Espenak. In addition to being the most viewed solar eclipse, that 6:39 period should be the longest eclipse so far in the 21st century.

Get ready for the no-sun

Jay Pasachoff of Williams College in Massachusetts has been chasing solar eclipses since 1959 as a member of the National Geographic Society Committee for Research and Exploration.

“We brought about half a ton of equipment and picked up an equal amount borrowed here from our Chinese colleagues, so there is a lot to get ready,” he added.

How can the moon block out the sun?

Isn’t the sun about 400 times larger than the moon? Why yes it is, Mr. Wizard. However, it’s also 400 times more distant from Earth, so from the ground on this planet, the moon appears slightly larger. This never changes, yet people are still drawn in from everywhere by the “mystery.”

Appropriate eclipse wear (Photo: davelandweb.com)

As you get to the last several minutes before totality, that’s when your eyes actually start noticing things getting dark around you, and you can feel the air cooling. It gets really dark and totality appears, and that’s when it gets most spectacular. You see a black hole in the sky where the sun used be, and if there are birds around, they may stop chirping, because they think it’s night.

Are you going to make it to China in time to watch the solar eclipse of July 2009?

It’s pricey, so watch out. Travel isn’t getting cheaper, so perhaps fast cash and cash loans can save your budget from being eclipsed…

Related Video:

Some people believe this picture is real...and we let them vote.

Ever since NASA announced that they had lost the back up tapes from the Apollo 11 moon landing, the conspiracy theorists and peanut gallery has been touting their belief that there is an Apollo 11 Moon Landing Hoax – in that NASA filmed all of it in a studio as a cover up.  Of course, the missing tapes prove nothing, but we’ll get to that in a minute.  (I’d give some fast cash to makes this and other ill-conceived conspiracies go away.)

The tapes were backups, get over it!

The tapes in question were telemetry tapes, meaning that they were broadcast from the moon with the video signal, audio signal, and the other information being relayed from the command module, and video and audio were transferred to two inch television tape in Parkes, Australia, and broadcast world wide. The missing tapes, in essence, were negatives – back ups – it’s a non-issue, but they are having the original tapes restored. Click Here, for part one of this series.

A Conspiracy of dunces

This is a widely popular subject, and there is an extensive page on Wikipedia about it. Now to the meat of the thing:

It first started with a book written in 1974 by Bill Kaysing, a former employee of Rocketdyne, who wasn’t an engineer; he was part of their publishing unit, and held a degree in English. (English is NOT a science.) Kaysing has been denounced every step of the way, and ultimately was told by his own publisher he was full of it.

As to the tapes: NASA Flight Director Eugene Kranz (Ed Harris in the film Apollo 13) has repeatedly admitted the telemetry tapes got erased and reused, as it was procedure back then.

The science of conspiracy doesn’t add up

Certain objections are raised from a scientific point of view – for instance, the flag appearing to be waving. Several pictures exist of the flag in the same position, with Buzz Aldrin in different poses. This is because the flag was crinkled due to being folded, and didn’t completely unfurl in a vacuum due to the crease.
Aldrin has been repeatedly harassed about the conspiracy, especially by one Bart Sibrel, who viciously stalked him, and when Aldrin made it clear that he wanted to be left alone, punched Sibrel in the face.

Also, it’s been announced that a lunar orbiter has just captured pictures of the remnants of lunar landing modules, which were taken a few days ago.

Also, the peanut gallery has yet to summon a response to the following – putting the moon landing hoax on would have been far more expensive and elaborate than actually GOING to the moon.  I’d give a cash advance to hear someone explain that one….

And now, for your viewing pleasure – Bart Sibrel Punched in the Face!

Certainly some among us remember watching the moon landing on July 20th, 1969. It was one of the most watched moments in all of televisions history. Neil Armstrong descended from the Lunar Module and said those famous words, becoming the first human being to walk on the surface of a planetary body other than our own.  (Buzz Aldrin became second shortly thereafter, and sowed the seeds of sour grapes in the lunar soil.)

Recently, NASA announced that they had been searching for missing telemetry tapes that were made of the landing for some time, and that there had been no success, no matter how much fast cash they threw into the project.  The tapes in question were not the original copies, but backups with possibly better picture quality than the original two inch tape used in TV production at the time.

Throwing in the Towel; Bringing in Hollywood

Instead of giving up all hope, they have decided to take the best surviving footage, and run with it, turning to Lowry Digital, a California based film restoration company.  (Click here for the Source.)  Lowry expects the project to be completed in September, and NASA will be looking into the possibility of any other tapes left in the tracking center in Parkes, Australia, where the original signal was sent to from the Moon.

Recent Shuttle Activity

The Space Shuttle Endeavor recently lifted off from Cape Canaveral for a rendezvous and mission with the International Space Station, after 5 attempts to launch were scrubbed due to weather.  The shuttle was thought to have sustained some damage from liftoff debris, and the crew will be inspecting any damage and making repairs after docking.  The Shuttle Program is expected to be ditched in favor of a return to rockets and capsules next year, which will take a cash advance or two to get off the ground, so to speak.  (Hey, even NASA is into retro styles!) The rockets are to be dubbed Ares and Orion, respectively.

Missing tapes make conspiracy nuts go….well, nuts!

Apollo moon landing hoax theories have been circulating for years, and no matter how many facts, figures, and objective and empirical proof gets thrown their way, they still won’t keep quiet.  This tape debacle, which is a non issue, is going to fan the flames of conspiracy, which defies all manner of sound thinking and has been debunked numerous times.  Still, no matter how much evidence is provided, even a cash advance won’t silence the peanut gallery.

Stay Tuned for Part 2 – Conspiracy lovers are going to hate it!

Prince Fielder (Photo: Deadspin.com)

If you watched the Major League Baseball Home Run Derby for 2009, you know that there were no Josh Hamilton explosions to the tune of 28 blasts right out of the gate. Even though he didn’t win last year’s competition, Hamilton set the tone for the crowd-pleasing exhibition.

This year, the totals were somewhat more modest, but there were still smiles all around, particularly on the part of the charities that benefited from the State Farm golden ball promotion. Several players were able to cash in on the opportunity to turn home runs into charitable dollars as they sent the golden balls into the Busch Stadium stands in St. Louis. Fast cash and a big cash advance, all thanks to some very big bats.

Who won the Home Run Derby? Big Prince Fielder

In the process of pandering to All-Star host city St. Louis, MLB.com does manage some truth-telling when it comes to the real king of St. Louis baseball. Yes, the St. Louis Cardinals’ Albert Pujols is the best hitter in baseball. No, the fact that he didn’t win the State Farm Home Run Derby in 2009 does not change that fact. But please, MLB.com – give Milwaukee’s Prince Fielder his due.

People pay more attention to this than the All-Star Game

Quite true, and I myself find it exciting. However, as Commissioner Selig has decreed that the league that wins the All-Star Game (American or National) will have home advantage in the World Series, there is some significance to the game that the Home Run Derby doesn’t have, at least in terms of an effect on games played. Thus, the game is more significant to me, and it presents real-game situations that a true baseball fan can relish. Big swings and long home runs off a batting practice pitcher are no big deal by comparison. As baseball is a great American game, I say that poseur fans who think that the Home Run Derby represents real baseball should stay home and play their baseball video games. Let the real fans attend the games.

But I appreciate the Home Run Derby for what it is — a show, NOT baseball

It was a show that 45,981 spectators could enjoy, most of them adoring Albert Pujols fans. Pujols’ greatness kept several fine players from the starting slot at first base for the National League in the All-Star game, but do not mistake that Pujols’ position is not well-deserved. Pujols aside, a player like Prince Fielder is more than good enough to start.

“This is Albert’s place,” Fielder said. “Albert’s awesome. I mean, what are you going to do? This guy is unbelievable. And he deserves it. Doing what he’s doing is just unbelievable.”

Turn down the Pujols love, MLB.com!

MLB.com offends true baseball fans like myself by claiming that it’s ironic that Prince Fielder won the derby in a showdown against Nelson Cruz of Texas. Yes, Pujols is great, but all of the players in the Home Run Derby field were capable of winning such a competition. This is not a men among boys scenario; Pujols may just be a slightly bigger man among already big men. Give him his due. But don’t make light of the abilities of everyone else. That’s offensive to me, and it should be to you, too, if you care about baseball.

Let’s accentuate the positive

In this Home Run Derby, the lineup for the American League only boasted one player with a big league reputation for hitting the long ball: Tampa Bay’s Carlos Pena. Joe Mauer of Minnesota, Brandon Inge of Detroit and Cruz of the Texas Rangers all have great Major League success under their belts, but they haven’t put up big home run numbers over time. Cruz, 29, is getting his first real taste of Major League action this season. So the stage was ready for a possible upset.

The National League boasted more proven power hitters, from Fielder to Pujols to Philadelphia’s Ryan Howard and San Diego’s Adrian Gonzalez. Howard won the contest in 2006, the year he led the Majors with a whopping 58 home runs. In 2007, Fielder hit 50 home runs, making him the youngest player ever to reach that milestone in a single season. Truly, the fans had lots of distance hitting in store.

Fielder swings from the heels

(Photo: SonsofSamHorn.com)

Yet he’s making more consistent contact than ever – his average at the half-way mark is a strong .315, indicating that in between vicious swings, he’s showing more patience and waiting longer for his pitch. When Fielder connects, he hits balls out of sight. In this Home Run Derby exhibition, he hit a monster 497-foot shot into the center field stands. Some experts on ESPN felt that Fielder would tire as the competition went on, but myself and Joe Morgan knew otherwise. Later in the competition, Fielder continued to dial long distance, including a 503-foot blast. He proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has power to burn.

He’s also been burning calories

Fielder is a large man with large appetites, a trait he appears to have inherited from his father Cecil Fielder, a Major League home run hitter during the 1990s. Prince was suspected of weighing in at well over 300 pounds at one time, and he had the diet to prove it. But a vegan diet and the encouragement of his wife Chanel have reported brought the slugger down to a svelte 260. Perhaps the lost weight has led to better stamina and quickness, but Fielder still isn’t entirely convinced. As a consolation, Chanel has told him that if he begins to lose his power, she’ll cook him a steak.

It appears there’s still pop in that bat

Does this mean that we should all become vegans? No, I don’t think so. In my opinion, that’s vegetarianism mixed with religious extremism. I firmly believe in meat-eating, so long as it’s done in moderation. I also believe what comedian Dennis Leary says about animals like cats, dogs and cows – if they could eat you, they would. If you need money for ammo to defend yourself, a cash advance for fast cash is an option. Eat them first, Prince! You eat meat, hit ball long time!

Related Video:

NOT an Evian spokesbaby

I’m all for commercials, but only if the advertiser takes the extra effort to make them entertaining. Most commercials show that advertisers don’t have the desire or skill to bother (or the time). Yet even after seeing a fantastic commercial once, it’s rare that I won’t go for the fast forward button on my DVR when it pops up again. I don’t need extra motivation to consume; fast cash and cash loans

But what about babies on skates?

OK, maybe I’d give that a second or third look, partly due to the unbearable cuteness. I half expect the baby version of Turbo from “Breakin’” and the all-powerful sequel “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” to slide into the frame and start lockin’ and poppin’ on his brand new pair of roller skates.

Who has the brand new key?

Apparently Evian does, because these television ads have been ridiculously popular. Hannah Wood blogs London’s The Daily Mirror that the Evian Roller Babies are not an entirely new phenomenon. Sure, they’re in skates this time, but the reality is that this is part two of an ongoing advertising campaign that dates back to 1998. Talk about long-term branding efforts. Let’s try not to wait 11 years for the next ad, Evian…

Try “skater’s delight”

I’m sure you’ll be able to pick out what makes this latest commercial in the Evian babies series yourself once you see it – unless you’re anti-baby, that is. If you are, I can’t say I’d want to know you. Now the little ones are spreading the flavor with moves on wheels, scored to old skool grooves. To be specific, the 96 total babies in the commercial are dancing to a “Rapper’s Delight” remix. The song was originally made famous by Dan the Automator, whose later production credits included albums by Gorillaz, Kasabian and DJ Shadow.

And how did Evian train those babies?

There’s no amazing trick to it, but you probably already knew that. An ad agency called BETC Euro RSCG used computerized special effects to animate the Evian babies in a way that makes you smile and wonder if it’s not too late to join Kelly, Ozone and Turbo and save the community rec center. I hear Ice-T is going to make an appearance…

Live young, spend less

Evian brand manager Michael Aidan told Wood that consumers “expect more from a big brand – emotion, dream. This is what we want to achieve, hence this breakaway and back to roots campaign.” The concept in Evian’s campaign is “Live Young,” and the obvious product connection – as Evian sees it – is that their water will rejuvenate the body, making you feel like a kid again. I’ll stick with water that doesn’t require that I take out fast cash and cash loans to finance in the long term. Babies only need mother’s milk, anyway.

Without further ado…

Here’s the international version of the commercial:

And the one that started it all:

And at evianliveyoung.com, a tributes to Michael Jackson:

If you’re an American, what are you doing to celebrate the Fourth of July this year. Are you checking out the fireworks shows? I know that I’ll be taking my children to see something in my neighborhood, even though my little son is still a little bit frightened by the loud noises. But how can you not love a sky filled with sparkling colored diamonds and trails of glory making a shining road map of the night?

In a healthy, controlled way, we love to blow stuff up. I think it’s one of the requirements of being an American. But blowing stuff up is expensive, something most of us don’t need any more of these days. Not only is the stuff part expensive, but so are the explosives (if you want it done right). Fast cash for sparklers, quick cash for cherry bombs – wait, wait, that’s not legal in most places. Forget I said that. But don’t forget the fast cash and quick cash; they’re perfectly legal and perfectly fine for what ails your budget in the short term.

But where have all the boom booms gone?

MSNBC reports that the skies will be silent over places like Colorado Springs, Colorado this July 4th. The recession has struck hard, and many cities are feeling the pinch. To the disappointment of the 50,000-plus who normally show up for the annual fireworks show, the Colorado Springs City Council voted to cancel the show in the interests of saving money. The well of donors has mostly dried up, so they had no other choice.

Typically, local business sponsorships and Chamber of Commerce money is enough to fund much of what is required, but the cities themselves still have other expenses to cover. Things like overtime for police, fire and emergency crews, public works cleanup and liability insurance and huge issues, according to Cranston, Rhode Island Mayor Allan Fung. Worker layoffs, tax increases and public service cutbacks make fireworks shows seem a bit less important.

Their guns won’t fire

Here are just a few of the places MSNBC notes are cutting back on fireworks shows for July 4:

• Even though Springfield, Missouri plans to host the National Fireworks Association’s annual convention in 2010, budget cutbacks have forced them to turn away an expected crowd of 70,000 this year
• In Michael Moore’s hometown of Flint, Michigan, city officials canceled their fireworks shows. Not long after,  the Downtown Development Authority ponied up $10,000 to light up the skies. It was back on… until Flint canceled the show again! Apparently the donation came too late for the city to make service plans for the event
• Public donations were needed for fireworks shows in Charles Town, West Virginia. Last year’s show reportedly cost the city $17,000. Unfortunately, they fell short. Happy July 4… let’s play Yahtzee!

Is your city man enough? Big and bad enough?

“These are the things people look forward to,” said Utica, New York Mayor David Roefaro. “They love the fireworks. It’s part of America.”

It’s all a matter of how much you want fireworks shows, I suppose. In Gilbertsville, Kentucky, businesses and community leaders teamed up to raise $5,000 to save the annual show at Lake Bartley Resort. This came after the state canceled shows in its state parks, to the disappointment of all.

“It didn’t take us maybe an hour to get the funds necessary to have a decent show, and that’s what we’ve done,” said local businessman Walter Taylor. “We just didn’t want it to stop.”

Worse luck next year

Light a candle, 'cause that's all you're getting

While last-ditch efforts may have saved numerous fireworks shows around the country this year, next year may not be so lucky. New Orleans’ Dueling Barges Fireworks Extravaganza – ranked the nation’s best by priceline.com – will not happen next year unless donors come through with all of the money. Salt Lake City’s show at Sugar House Park (Utah’s biggest fireworks show) will need a lot more money if the rockets are to launch in 2010. Their show costs around $27,000, money that the city has decided is more important to retain for upkeep in next year’s budget.

Lex Hemphill, president of the Park Authority board, said that “Nobody on the board is happy to be facing this, but we just have a greater demand for the use of that money now than fireworks.”

Is there no quick cash? No fast cash? Will love of patriotism explode in the skies again?

Related Video:

My maternal great grandmother (my mother’s mother’s mother) was a spiritualist minister. I know very little of her history, but I remember that my grandmother once told me that she summoned spirits to ask questions and gather information. Her faith ventured into the realm of what we know as parapsychology. Spiritualists of that nature tend to believe in the Christian God, but in this case the spirits of the dead don’t wait for the call from the bullpen before they come out of their memorial tombs. That’s apparently where the spiritualist ministers came in, as medium guides (or is it shameless hucksters). If a medium “reveals” that your dear Aunt Gladys wants you to apply for pay day loans and put that fast cash on the collection plate, let rational sense prevail and look at your budget. If you need the money to help pay an important bill that’s late, let that be your guide.

The American psychic tradition is closely tied to spiritualist belief. Without the 19^th century showmen (and women) who tripped the spirit lights fantastic, there would be no Edgar Cayce, no Uri Geller and definitely no John Edward, psychic. Sometimes his name is misspelled Edwards, but psychic he is, nevertheless. And now he wants to bring you his special brand of quality psychic chicanery, courtesy of a new Web site called Infinite Quest.

Run by a team of psychic showpeople

Germain Lussier blogs on Twirlit that there are differing schools of thought on this popular psychic. Is he a genius? A fraud? Or something in between? Ask the people who appear in the studio audience of his television program and they’ll say that the connections Edward is able to make – the “psychic” inferences – are surprising. I say he knows how to manipulate the emotions of his audience and knows enough about human psychology to ask the kind of questions that make people think he’s forming a deep connection with them.

Your spiritual mulligan

In addition to the ability to access the help of real, honest-to-goodness circus performers and gerbil whisperers, there are sections on Infinite Quest that explain what the uninitiated need to know about the afterlife, positive and negative energy, the tarot, spiritual health and reincarnation (for your spiritual mulligan). Some of the information is free, but the “money shot” is reserved for paying customers.

Speaking of the money shot, John Edward recently appeared on Sean Hannity’s television spectacle on Fox News. According to Lussier, here’s what Edward had to say about the importance of Infinite Quest:

“I’ve been doing this work for 25 years. And I’ve been involved with astrology, numerology, you know, energy, alternative belief philosophy, reincarnation. And I want to give people the opportunity to say maybe,” he said.

Until the birds begin to nest in my skull and use my brain like a beanbag chair, I’ll say no. Since John Edward must know when I’m going to die, I’m sure he’ll be camped outside my house. If he hassles me before then, I’ll untie his laces with the power of my mind. If he needs new eyelets and aglets for his designer shoes, he can send the ghost of Elvis out for pay day loans and fast cash. That’ll be an infinite quest, all right…

Related Video:

There are non-adventurous souls out there who will tell you that there are certain things that we are better off not knowing. What goes into hot dogs? What do your bed sheets look like when you magnify them 1,000 times? What’s all the fuss about the unknown life form in a North Carolina sewer?

Myself, I’m the curious type. However, my father once told me that I shouldn’t stick my hand into spaces that I can’t see. He was referring to the space under his workbench, away from the light. Those dark corners where all manner of foul beasts lurk. Some that poison, some that suck the lifeblood from the body, others that lay eggs in the spinal fluid and take up residence inside the brain. Where, of course, they control the action. Their first course of action would be to force me to take out fast cash and online loans in amounts greater than what I need. Because that’s how evil creatures of the deep dark roll.

Fine, fine, I may be stretching the truth a bit, but here’s something that was recently discovered in a Cameron Village sewer underneath Raleigh, North Carolina. A routine inspection of the pipes via a video camera on the end of a drain snake (hissss!) discovered a strange life form that so far has not been definitively identified. What is it? WHAT… IS… IT?!!!

Squirming, sliding, they’re outta to getcha

As your gracious servant, I have included the video footage below. Take a look when the camera closes in and see what you think – if you can bare to look at all! Mwuh-ha-HAAA! It looks like something out of a science fiction film, and since the diameter of the pipe is not immediately apparent when you view the pipe, it’s uncertain exactly how LARGE these creatures are. Some have claims that these are “sludge worms” or “sewer worms,” which may be accurate. Others think it’s sacks of spider eggs. But a growing number of people in North Carolina and beyond have sounded the alarm. These subterranean creatures are not of this world! Prepare for your mind to be invaded. Hooray.

Thanks for the video – I had not see it before. No, these are not bryozoans! They are clumps of annelid worms, almost certainly tubificids (Naididae, probably genus Tubifex). Normally these occur in soil and sediment, especially at the bottom and edges of polluted streams. In the photo they have apparently entered a pipeline somehow, and in the absence of soil they are coiling around each other. The contractions you see are the result of a single worm contracting and then stimulating all the others to do the same almost simultaneously, so it looks like a single big muscle contracting. Interesting video

And they have at least one everyday use for us humans

Scott Patterson, one of the users on the same Inspection News board, brings things down to earth. And his wife is none too pleased about it:

Those worms are common food for tropical fish both salt and freshwater.

I feed live tubifex worms to my freshwater tropical fish. I have a 75 gallon tank with Discus and neons. They eat about 10 oz of worms every two weeks. I keep them in a Tupperware container in a spare refrigerator in the garage. Wife hates them! They live for about 10 days as long as you rinse them off with fresh cool water every couple of days and keep them in the frig.

Nature’s amazing variety – of ALIENS!

Sure, these things tend to hang around polluted water, and there may just be cracks in the sewer pipe that have allowed them inside. But I’d say that to keep them from coming up out of your toilet, you need to build personal disintegration rays immediately. If you need the fast cash of online loans to get the parts, then you also need help. Or at least a stern talking to. This is normal, people. No aliens here. But it is disgusting, isn’t it? Don’t put your hand in that old drain!

Related Video:

Sadly, America lost a big-voiced original pitchman this past weekend when Billy Mays passed away. Now it has been revealed that heart disease was the culprit. Not OxyClean, not payday loans or fast cash and definitely not foul play.

Michael Muskal reports for the Los Angeles Times that the man who “elevated the art of the television sales spiel to a fevered pitch,” died due to hypertensive heart disease.  It was a heart attack, Hillsborough County, Florida Medical Examiner Vernard Adams determined.

A killer that stalks many

The preliminary results of Billy Mays’ autopsy indicate that hypertensive heart disease symptoms such as shortness of breath, nausea, bloating and difficulty sleeping flat in his bed could have all been likely signs that something was going wrong. Remember, however, that the results so far are only preliminary. Much like in the autopsy of Michael Jackson (where results were leaked), the final results will take a few weeks. So we won’t know for sure exactly what it was that killed Billy Mays, although the preliminary findings may very well be accurate. Toxicology and tissue tests results will be analyzed in due time, once the results are clear.

To recap,Mays, 50, was found in his Tampa home on Sunday morning. He had just returned to Florida on a commercial flight after filming an OxyClean commercial in Philadelphia, Pa. His flight did have a rough landing that could have given him a fright, as a tire on the landing gear burst. The impact caused Mays to bump his head during the rocky touchdown on the runway.

But Adams says no head trauma evident

After close inspection during the autopsy, Adams ruled out any type of head injury, either external or internal. So it is unlikely that such a thing could have played a role in Mays’ death. However, final results are pending.

Post autopsy, Adams indicated that  authorities had ruled out the possible abuse of prescription drugs. It is known that Mays was use prescription painkillers Tramadol and hydrocodone for hip pain, but pill counts showed that he’d taken the amount he was supposed to have taken. The hip pain is related to the fact that Mays has apparently had enough hip trouble to warrant hip replacement in the past. He was even scheduled for another hip replacement surgery, according to family.

Related Video:

Farrah Fawcett. Michael Jackson. Now Billy Mays. The chain of death continues; we have lost a television celebrity whose infectious passion for what he did made something as insignificant as an infomercial worth watching. Billy Mays loved what he did, and his presence will be missed. No Billy Mays death jokes, please. The man used his personality to sell product and make money. If you learn to do what this man did, not only will you not need payday loans for fast cash, but perhaps you’ll grow a healthy dose of respect.

Some heard that Billy Mays was dead via Fox News. I first read the news on TMZ.com, a site that is beginning to scoop all the other news outlets out there when it comes to news about celebrities. Sadly, TMZ has confirmed that Billy Mays was found dead in his Tampa, Florida home. His wife Deborah had discovered him morning and could not revive him. Billy Mays was 50 years old.

He sold it

As anyone who watches television for any length of time knows, Mays is a pitchman who has promoted products like Orange Glo and OxiClean. He also co-starred with Anthony Sullivan on the Discovery Channel program “Pitchmen,” where he teaches up-and-coming pitchmen and women how to sell, sell, sell. And Billy Mays did it with brio, enthusiasm, and a demeanor that suggested that he had a heart as big as the outdoors.

Born William Mays in McKees Rocks, Pa., on July 20, 1958, Mays honed his salesman craft on the boardwalks of Atlantic City and countless state fairs and home shows. Whether it was knives, mops or any other product,  Billy Mays could sell it.

Once the product manufacturers saw what a diamond Mays was, television commercial work came quickly. Both quick-hitting commercials and long-form infomercials showcased Billy Mays’ high-energy style. He sold with such conviction that you couldn’t help but believe that his products packed that extra punch, whether you had a stain to clean, vegetables to cut or windows to caulk.

Doing business to the very end

Police have investigated the scene. They discovered no signs of forced entry, and foul play has been all but ruled out. The Medical Examiner’s is expected to complete the autopsy by this afternoon. It is known that Mays was due to go in for his third hip replacement surgery soon.

After shooting an OxiClean commercial recently in Philadelphia, Mays was a passenger aboard a plane that suffered a blown front tire when it touched down on the landing strip. It was frightening, but Mays was not injured. He said on TV, “All of a sudden as we hit you know it was just the hardest hit, all the things from the ceiling started dropping. It hit me on the head, but I got a hard head.”

Remembering a great salesman

Mays and Anthony Sullivan of "Pitchmen"

Wife Deborah has released the following brief statement to the press: “Although Billy lived a public life, we don’t anticipate making any public statements over the next couple of days. Our family asks that you respect our privacy during these difficult times.”

Mays’ colleagues at the Discovery Channel have nothing but praise for the gregarious man: “Everyone that knows him was aware of his larger-than-life personality, generosity and warmth. Billy was a pioneer in his field and helped many people fulfill their dreams. He will be greatly missed as a loyal and compassionate friend.”

“I enjoy what I do,” Mays told the Associated Press in 2002. “I think it shows.”

Related Video:

In a single day, America lost two titanic pop culture icons in Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. For one, release came after a painful, protracted battle with cancer. For the other, death came without warning in the form of cardiac arrest. For both the deceased, friends, family and legions of fans worldwide have taken time to remember the legends – and the private people who lived them. Such ultra-celebrities have scant room for private lives. If they needed unsecured loans for fast cash, everyone would know.

Even bishops in Ethiopia know something is up. That must be why they’ve chosen now of all times to reveal the Ark of the Covenant to the rest of the world.

“…dogs and cats, living together…”

Hillel Fendel reports for Israel National News that an Ethiopian church leader claims the Ark of the Covenant has been concealed within his church in the city of Axum for centuries. Rumors of it being located in the city have circulated for some time, but this is the first time there has been talk of someone revealing it there. Copies of the vessel have been found in many other Ethiopian churches.

Abuna Pauolos, the Patriarch of the Ethiopian Orthodox Church, paid a recent visit to Rome and Pope Benedict XVI. While in Rome, Pauolos made his announcement to news media. He announced his full intentions at a press conference this morning in Rome.

Are the tablets inside? Geraldo wants to know

“Soon the world will be able to admire the Ark of the Covenant described in the Bible as the container of the tablets of the law that G-d delivered to Moses, and the center of searches and studies for centuries,” preached Pauolos. “The Ark of the Covenant has been in Ethiopia for many centuries. As Patriarch, I have seen it with my own eyes, and only a few, highly-qualified persons could do the same – until now.”

For those of you who aren’t familiar, the Ark of the Covenant – also known as the Ark of Testimony – is discussed in the Biblical book of Exodus. According to the story, it held the Tablets of the Law as given to Moses by Yahweh (as history suggests, you can invent your own spelling). The Ark traveled with the People of Israel on their trek toward the Promised Land.

Ark of the Covenant: World Tour

Since an Ark doesn’t make for a suitable end table, the People of Israel needed a place to store said Ark. The threads of history suggest it was first placed in the Shilo Tabernacle, then centuries later in the Holy Temple of King Solomon. Since the conquering of Jerusalem in about 586 B.C. by the Babylonians, the whereabouts of the Ark have been a mystery. Some believe the Templars and Freemasons have had a hand in guarding the receptacle. Popular legends suggest that it was brought to Ethiopia. Or it could be under the Temple Mount, or deep inside a cave at Mt. Nevo in Jordan. That is, if it’s not in the Vatican, a bunker in Utah, or under my gluteus maximus as I sit and write this stuff.

Experts on these matters consider the Ethiopian speculation to be rather dubious. Stuart Munro-Hay, author of “Quest for the Ark of the Covenant: The True History of the Tablets of Moses,” has come forward to say that Abuna Pauolos definitely does not have possession of this holy vessel. How could he, as French archaeologist and occasional Nazi ally Dr. Rene Belloq has already exclaimed, “Once again, Mr. Pauolos, you see that there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away.”

Melting their aspirations

Don't open the Ark... or this will happen to you

That Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson have died is very real. My condolences to their family, friends and loved ones. Each in their own special way was able to entertain us and raise our aspirations. The glare of the media was not always kind to them, often for good reason. But I find it disturbing that people like those in Ethiopia come out of the woodwork with stories about the Ark of the Covenant at a time like this. In fact, I didn’t even know Joan Van Ark made any kind of covenant… when was that on “Knotts Landing?” Was it a deal for unsecured loans of fast cash?

Seriously, the Ark of the Covenant has ages of mythology behind it. Archaeologists, writers, religious groups and people of varied persuasions have fantasized about this box. Is it ornate, or is it simple? Will it finally justify the truth of Young Earth creationism and cause Richard Dawkins’ eyes to burst into flame? Or is this a… hoax?

The world may never know.

Related Video:

On the day of the 2009 NBA Draft, big news has come down of a blockbuster trade. The contract details are still being worked out – including whether unlimited fast cash and personal loans are among the clauses – but what is clear is that Shaq was traded to Cavs. Now the Cleveland Cavaliers, who haven’t had a true center in their franchise’s history (Brad Daugherty is the closest), will have a big man in the middle to clean the boards for LeBron James.

Bob Bensch reports for ESPN that the Phoenix Suns have indeed agreed to trade Shaquille O’Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers, who made it all the way to the Eastern Conference Finals this past season before losing to Dwight Howard and the Orlando Magic. A 15-time All-Star,  the 7-foot-1 Shaq should prove to be a dominating presence on the interior, even though at 37 years of age he has lost more than half a step. Considering what LeBron was able to do with Zydrunas Ilgauskas and others filling that spot on the floor, another Most Valuable Player award should be on its way next season.

Coincidentally, this trade brings together two of the National Basketball Association’s top-earning athletes. James earned a cool $40.1 million, while O’Neal dunked home $35 million. Last season, Shaq averaged. 17.8 points per game and 8.4 rebounds per game.

But will they win the title?

That remains to be seen, but this trade certainly doesn’t hurt. In order to dominate in the NBA, teams must be able to excel in both the half court offense and the running game. Since LeBron is one of the most versatile players in the league, they can do both. Now with Shaq in the middle, their half court offense should be even more powerful. As it stood, the Cavaliers had the NBA’s best record in 2008-09, but that wasn’t enough to get them past Howard’s 25.8 points per game, 13 rebounds per game and active interior defense.

Here’s what Phoenix will get in return: still bruising yet diminished power forward Ben Wallace, sharpshooting swingman with no clue how to spell defense Aleksandar Pavlovic, a second-round draft pick in tonight’s NBA Draft and $500,000. Cleveland will reap the benefits of O’Neal’s presence both on and off the court.

Shaq, the fifth-leading scorer in NBA history, has averaged 24.7 points and 11.2 rebounds over his 17-year career. He won three NBA titles with the Los Angeles Lakers and one with the Miami Heat. In 2000, he was the NBA’s Most Valuable Player. He should prove to be a better fit with the Cavs than with Phoenix, which is traditionally a running team.

Will LeBron stay?

There were numerous rumors circling that LeBron felt it was time to move on to a team that could bring him a championship and a city that could bring him the exposure a superstar of his wattage deserves. Why in the name of the holy Swiss cheese he would think of the New York Knicks as that team is beyond me. But now, the game has changed thanks to the Rappin’ Genie, the Big Aristotle… Shaq.

How wide he'll have to spread 'em to hug Shaq

For Phoenix, the trade is partly a cost-cutting move. They will save as much as $10 million next season, ESPN reports. While the Cavs will be taking on more contract dollars, their chances of going all the way increase greatly with Shaquille O’Neal in the middle.

This isn’t the first trade of late for Shaq. He was traded to Phoenix from Miami in February of 2008, and Phoenix went on to the postseason. In 2008-09,  and the Suns reached the postseason, losing in the first round to San Antonio in five games. Last season, the Suns won 46 and lost 36 en route to just missing the NBA Playoffs by two games.

Now they’ll have more financial flexibility – which is exactly what fast cash and personal loans can do for you.

Related Video:

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is back from Argentina with some big news. He was definitely there to recharge his batteries after all of his struggles with the state legislature. But as all of America now knows, he wasn’t there just to cruise the coastline. He was cruising for Maria Belen Shapur. And based upon Gina Smith’s detective work for South Carolina’s The State newspaper, it appears that Sanford was going to continue to lie about it.

However, Smith greeted the governor at the airport with news that they had copies of surreptitious E-mails he had exchanged with his mistress, and that if he didn’t come forward and confess, they were going to print the messages.

Now he cries contrition, lets people know he’s in Bible study (note to Sanford: I’ve read “Jack and the Beanstalk,” works just as well), etc, etc. We’ve heard it all before. Another Republican spits up on his shirt for all to see. If this man still thinks he’ll be able to run for president in 2012, he’ll need a boatload of payday loans and fast cash, because he won’t be receiving contributions any other way.

Loses presidency, wins booby prize

Tommy Tomlinson of the Charlotte Observer wonders if this man really wants his job. Sanford lied to his staff about his whereabouts, committed one of those acts that tend to bar you from the presidency if you aren’t already in office and tried to be slick about it. Now he’s slipped in his own puddle of 10-40.

Clearly he doesn’t want to be a husband or father, either. His wife has been betrayed, and his kids were left without a dad on Father’s Day. No, former Governor Mark Sanford went for two things in Buenos Aires that are apparently more important to him. According to one of his E-mails, that would be the two things Maria holds between her arms.

He hasn’t resigned

He has removed himself from his post as chairman of the Republican Governors Association. However, indications so far are that he doesn’t intend to step down from the South Carolina governorship. He may be OK with that, but the citizens of South Carolina shouldn’t be.

Mark Sanford should have known going in what life is like as a politician. As Tomlinson puts it:

When you’re a politician on the national stage, you take a lifetime seat in the dunk tank. You sign up for a daily dose of criticism from political opponents, activists, bloggers, radio and TV yappers, newspaper writers, and the guy at the next table in the restaurant. You probably get death threats, and because of that you get the joy of a security detail that waits outside the door when you go to the bathroom. You can go on vacation, but you can never get away, not completely, not even for a day.

The trade-off here is that you become famous and can use that fame to accomplish good things, should you so choose.

This isn’t good

The E-mails dating back to July 2008 which  The State have in their possession describe where his mind has been: “gentle kisses, the curve of her hips, the two magnificent parts of yourself” held “in the faded glow of the light.” Not that there’s anything wrong with being human and desiring something, but Sanford made commitments – and he turned his back on them.

Not a Mark Sanford mistress photo

But Tomlinson brings up an interesting question. In that same E-mail, he leads off with talk of a weekend in Aspen with John McCain, who we all know is sensually delicious.  That visit “kicked up the whole VP talk all over again in the press back home,” he writes. Tomlinson wonders why, in a secret note written to a secret love, he starts off by talking about his job.

“Could be that the only thing that truly turns him on is his own power?” asks Tomlinson.

Power turns him on

Clearly. We know the man is staggeringly sanctimonious, as he was one of the most vocal critics of President Clinton during his affairs. I think that the paths of our private lives and professional lives generally shouldn’t cross, but when you’re a politician on this level, you have more people to answer to. And because Sanford lied to many and abandoned his state’s government, he should lose his political career. Because he’s had an affair, you’d think he’d lose his marriage, but indications are that his wife has “Stand-by-Your-Man”-itus. Admirable at times, makes you look like a fool other times.

Mr. Sanford, you’re welcome to apply for payday loans and fast cash when you need help making your support payment. With direct deposit, you can even receive funds while you’re in Argentina.

Related Video: