About the same time as the heat wave arrived, my wife informed me that the fan in the bedroom was not working. Sleeping without a fan in summer is impossible. I reached for the phone book to call George, our friendly electrician but stopped my hand in mid-motion. Friendly as he is, George still charges $100 for a visit and then adds to that any other costs he incurs. Every time George calls, the bill comes to about $200.

I’ll fix it myself

The fan sits over our king size bed. I went into my painting studio and took all the paints, brushes and other painting junk off, removed the top from the trestles and carried it to the bedroom. The top is large and heavy and my back is fragile. “Take one of those Payday Loans you’re always writing about,” said my wife, “and call George.” I smiled at her.

A test spin

The board on the bed was a master stroke. I was firmly balanced and I could reach the fan. I was about to take the cover off when I remembered that the electricity was on. I called to my wife, to go to the switchboard and turn it off. Too late I remembered the computers and as I yelled ‘wait!” the lights went out. I hope the computer can recover an almost completed article I was working on and had not yet saved but I doubt it. Still, we’re in a recession and all and here I am saving hard-earned money.

Putting everything together

The fan is in pieces all over the bed and I can see nothing wrong. The switches go ‘click’ and the blades swing freely; there are no batteries that could have gone flat, what else could it be? So I put it all back together, switch on the electricity and then the fan. Nothing. Dead as a doornail. I leap back onto the bed and swing the blade like Lindberg swinging the propeller of his plane – nothing. I curse and I plead – no change.

I am not useless

I call my technically minded son, and he takes me through a long list of questions. At the end he suggests calling in George or alternatively finding a store that sells fans with installation included. “Nonsense,” I say. “If man can make it, man can fix it!” I stand and gaze at the fan, whatever is wrong with it has to be pretty basic.

The article has gone forever

I lost the article in that over-hasty electrical switch-off. That was good money straight down the tubes and I doubt that I can re-create it.

I surrender

At 4 the next afternoon, after another frustrating day with the fan, I surrender and call in George. I am just another victim of the combined recession and Murphy’s Law: “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”

George arrives

George comes in carrying his black box and wearing huge safety boots. He stands at the door and says, “That fan?” I nod. He reaches his hand around the corner and feels for the switch. No fan. George moves his head in the direction of the headboard of the bed. “What’s that switch do?” I faint.

Happy ending

This time George’s visit ended pleasantly. “I am not charging,” he said gently, “because I do not charge for lessons. Incidentally the two-way switches in this room are wired incorrectly. Call me when the recession is over and I’ll fix them for you.”

Recession accounting

This little joke cost me about $200 in lost working time and a lost article. I may still have some costs associated with my back. George was really kind!

It all started when my wireless system at home stopped working. My desktop computer worked fine but the laptop was dead. I called in my technician and he slaved away for ten minutes and then said, “Everything’s fine, it’s fixed. I brought it back to life. Why don’t you get yourself a decent screen if you’re doing so much work? Much easier on the eyes, you know. Just buy it, bring it home, plug it in and pray.” I laughed at his little joke. Plug in and pray indeed! I paid, he left and the little seed he had planted began to grow until I couldn’t stand it.

I raced off

I shopped around on the internet and compared prices. Then I checked the amount of a Personal Loan I could raise from the Personal Money Store to see if I really could afford one of those nice slim, wide screens in place of the huge box I have on my desk. It all fit together nicely and I raced off to the computer store.

Things have changed

There is now a computer store on every corner, not like a few years ago when you really had to drive around and look for one. This one was in the parking basement of a small strip mall and despite the galloping recession, the place was packed with people. I stood in line and was finally directed to the Screens and Peripherals department. Another line and finally I was in front of the screen man. I came home with my package humming a Pay and Pray mantra.

The weather factor

It’s summer, every day more glorious than the previous. The days are not yet fiery hot and the humidity hasn’t started but after half an hour scrunched down behind the computer screen, I was wet and frantic. What’s the prayer for a brand new computer screen that doesn’t switch on, I yelled to nobody? Dead, a brand new, just-unpacked, computer screen. I called my technician but there was no answer. Just then the screen switched on. I collapsed into the chair and breathed a short prayer of thanks.

The *?!#?!* Mouse!

No mouse! Everything works but there is no mouse. Why didn’t I ask the technician to do all this? I could have screamed with frustration. I hate these 2 minute jobs that turn into 2 hour monsters leaving one drained and irritable. I went to the kitchen and ate in silence. Back in the study the mouse came to life on its own and when I walked in, the computer and screen and mouse were all waiting anxiously for me to sit down and start working.

Just testing

These things are done to test us, to test our ability to sit things out, to see if we are up to scratch in the funny games that life plays on us.

Everything works.

This little tale has a happy ending. Everything works. The new wide screen is great and everything is large enough for me to see without leaning into the words. I bet my bank balance swells too!