The Hank Johnson Guam remarks signal a fitting for a Dunce Cap. From Wikimedia Commons

Occasionally, someone says something that is so foolish, one thinks it has to be fake. Then it turns out to be true, turning the remark from stupid and seemingly non sequitur to tragically farcical.  Just such an instance occurred recently when U.S. Representative Hank Johnson (D – GA) remarked that if any more U.S. troops were stationed on Guam, or if it were to become any more overpopulated, the island would “tip over and capsize.” (I have a headache now.) There are no guaranteed loans big enough to fix what’s wrong with the thought processes behind that statement. No – this is not an April Fool’s Day joke. Something that weird has to be real.

No April Fool’s Joke here – real people said this

In the spirit of that remark, I thought I’d offer a small list of things that actual people said in real life. Things that are so outrageously dumb, it’s almost unbelievable someone would open his or her mouth and actually say it. Without further ado:

Bill Clinton

“That depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is.” – Pres. Bill Clinton

I think we all remember this gem. There are no words, only the sound of my brain exploding.  Clinton also had bragged at one point about raising Arkansas’ national rank in education from 50th to 49th, during his term as Governor. To make it worse, he was a Rhodes Scholar.

Dan Quayle

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history.” – Former Vice President Dan Quayle

There is endless debate over what the dumbest thing ever uttered by George Bush’s (the first – Papa Bush) Vice President was.  Never mind that he also didn’t know how to spell “potato” and surmised that because there may have been water on Mars that humans could breathe there.  He was the butt of many jokes at that time, which of course, brings us to:

Joe Biden

“You cannot go into a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin’ Donuts without a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking.” – Vice President Joe Biden

I miss Dan Quayle.  Obviously, liberals are lacking just as much as conservatives, and with all the right-wing blather about “liberal elitism,” I’m waiting in the wings for an intelligent candidate of either party.    I’d donate extra cash to their campaign.

Rush Limbaugh

“It’s sort of like hazing, a fraternity prank. That sort of fun.” – Rush Limbaugh, about the torture of detainees at Guantanamo.

I chose this from among his many gaffes, or outright racist outbursts.  Since we’re on the subject, honorable mention to Bill O’Reilly and the Loofah/Falafel incident. (One is a sponge, and the other is food.)

Jessica Simpson

“I know it’s tuna…but it says Chicken of the Sea.” -”Actress Jessica Simpson.

I think we’re all familiar with this.  I don’t think anyone ever believed she became famous or popular because of her mental acuity.

Think before you speak — it can end up haunting you

The internet age means that there is greater accountability. If you do or say something tragically dumb, it is that much more likely to get photographed, taped or quoted, and uploaded.

The Loch Ness Monster is among the most famous hoaxes of all time. (Photo: Wikipedia)

It pays to be prepared when April Fools Day comes along, which means that you must be up on your history of the Top 10 April Fools pranks ever. Keep in mind that you might need payday loans to duplicate things on that scale. Without further ado, and straight from the Museum of Hoaxes, here are the Top 10 April Fools pranks in convenient, bite-sized form. Chomp ‘em, ’cause you got ‘em. And if you missed part one of this article – April Fools pranks you can easily play at home or work – CLICK HERE.

The Top 10 April Fools pranks, for your consideration

1. Swiss Spaghetti Harvest – Let’s start this Top 10 April Fools pranks list in tasty style. In 1957, the BBC convinced gullible Brits that the Swiss were growing spaghetti on trees.
2. Sidd Finch – Better known as Hayden “Sidd” (short for Siddhartha) Finch, this George Plimpton creation actually had baseball fans going for a while in 1985. (See video below.) “He’s a pitcher, part yogi and part recluse. Impressively liberated from our opulent life-style, Sidd’s deciding about yoga — and his future in baseball.” Oh, and he could throw a 168 mph fastball with pinpoint control. No sweat.
3. San Serriffe – Again, let’s laugh at those gullible Britons, circa 1977. The Guardian convinced thousands that this small republic that consisted of “several semi-colon-shaped islands located in the Indian Ocean” actually existed.  ”Its two main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse,” and the capital city of Bodoni fell under the leadership of… wait for it… General Pica. If you believe that, I have some Zapf Dingbats to sell you.
4. Alabama Changes Pi – To the “Biblical value” of 3.0, of course. Because 3.14159 is an affront to all that’s holy.
5. Burger King’s left-handed Whopper – This began as an ad campaign and prompted about 90 percent of the population to ask for the right-handed version.
6. Nessie’s body – Yorkshire’s Flamingo Park Zoo claimed it had found the 15 -and-a-half-foot carcass, but it was really a bull elephant seal. A pranking zoologist shaved the whiskers off the dead body, stuffed the cheeks with stones and dumped it back in Loch Ness so that the public could discover the wonder.
7. Brassieres fuzz TV and radio reception – In 1982, The Daily Mail (yes, back to the UK) claimed 10,000 “rogue bras” were on the market with copper underwire that supposedly created enough static electricity when it came into contact with nylon and body heat that it threw local TV and radio signals for a loop. The chief engineer of British Telecom immediately used this as an excuse to grill his female employees about their type of bra.
8. Man flies by lung power – The New York Times printed a photo in 1934 of a man flying with help from a device that allegedly was powered by his breath. Supposedly that mighty wind spun rotors that created powerful suction. This kept him aloft – and proved that Americans don’t know much about physics. Perhaps they’re in such great need of debt repair that they can’t afford college, or at least some books about how airplanes work.
9. Whistling carrots – A British supermarket called Tesco claimed it had developed a genetically modified form of carrot that whistled. Ads claimed that the carrots grew with tapered air holes that produced a whistling sound when the vegetable was fully cooked.
10. Friends don’t let friends surf the Web drunk – John Dvorak of PC Computing magazine convinced readers in 1994 that Congress had passed a bill making it illegal to use the World Wide Web while drunk, or to discuss sexual matters on public networks. The first clue should have been the bill number (SB 040194 … 04/01/94), the second the name of the contact: Lirpa Sloof (April Fools backwards). It might be in bad taste to mention this now, but Sen. Ted Kennedy’s office received a great deal of mail on this one.

(Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/restedtraveler/ / CC BY-SA 2.0)

Related Video:

Get the drop on your friends and loved ones with April Fools' pranks! (Photo: ThinkStock)

Tomorrow is April 1, and that means it’s time to roll out your bag of tricks and be ready to dust off your best April Fools pranks. Don’t believe people who tell you that pranks are a bad idea. So long as you don’t kill someone or otherwise violate their Constitutional rights – including the right to payday loans – let ‘er rip. The world needs good cheer.

April Fools pranks may date back to the Middle Ages

Wikipedia suggests several possibilities for the history of April Fools’ pranks, including Geoffrey Chaucer’s 1392 reference to “syn March bigan thritty days and two,” Eduard de Dene’s 1539 poem about a nobleman who sent his servants on foolish errands on April 1 and John Aubrey’s 1686 reference to April 1 as “Fooles holy day.” There are numerous other possibilities, but the point is that April Fools Day is made for April Fools pranks!

April Fools pranks for home and office

Wait, home AND office? Yes, that’s right. Some people seem to think that the big, bad recession has made the workplace a morgue. Poppycock. Life’s too short. April Fools pranks, tastefully done, are a fine gauge of whether you’re working in the right place. With that in mind, onward to some prank ideas (Thanks, Gather)!

At Home:

• If you have a sink with a spray handle, tape the handle down so that the next person who uses the sink gets a surprise hose bath!
• Rub clear liquid soap all over the door knob to your roommate’s bedroom!
• Fill your loved one’s shoes with talcum powder. With all that white powder, they’re sure to be mistaken for Lindsay Lohan wherever they go!

At Work:

• Cover a shallow rectangular box with cake frosting and leave it in the break room for co-workers!
• Put a tiny piece of Scotch tape over the mouthpiece of a co-worker’s desk phone!
• Similarly, open a co-worker’s non-optical computer mouse and put enough clear Scotch tape over the rolling pins inside the housing so that their mouse won’t work. IT departments will love this one, too!

Have a happy April Fools’ Day with these and more April Fools pranks!

If you have your own suggestions, feel free to comment and let paycheck loans customers know! If you hunger for more, CLICK HERE for the Top 10 April Fools pranks of all time!

Related Video (What NOT to do for April Fools’ Day):