What are you waiting for? Make some deep fried butter! (Photo: commons.wikimedia.org)

I may need a loan till payday. Why? Because I have to stock up on butter and buy a deep fryer. I want to feel those slick gifts glide down my tongue. I want to embrace it in my mouth until my taste buds are overwhelmed with desire. Then I’ll swallow, nice and slow. I love to tease myself.

But I could never make a habit of consuming deep fried butter. Not because I wouldn’t love the taste, but because I do have SOME health standards. Sure, Michael Phelps may get away with a 10,000-calorie per day regimen, but he’s working that off… and he’s Michael Phelps. Our metabolisms differ slightly.

I may have to go to the State Fair of Texas

That’s where deep fried butter – The Dish! – will be unveiled, according to the New York Daily News. According to deep fried butter “mastermind” Abel Gonzalez Jr. (I want his job), “It’s like a mix between a biscuit or a croissant that is just stuffed to the gills with butter on the inside.”

Wait. There’s bread involved? I guess that’s OK… some wussies won’t take their butter by the handful.

It takes a computer analyst to design such deviltry

Gonzalez used to be a computer analyst in Dallas, but the constant snacking must have led him over to the culinary dark side. Using every ounce of Sith cooking his midichlorians could muster, Gonzalez powered his way to victories in past state fairs with such delicious creations as fried cookie dough, a fried peanut butter, jelly and banana sandwich and – wait for it – fried Coke. Oh, the humanity!

Deep fried peaches and cream, fried pecan pie and fried peanut butter cup macaroons are on the agenda for this year’s fair, yet Gonzalez feels that his simple concoction will carry away people’s hearts as it clogs them. Whipped, fluffy butter is frozen, placed in dough balls, then deep fried. Yowza… pop ‘em like candy!

And flavored butters!

Yes, Gonzalez even has that trick in his repertoire. Think garlic, grape or cherry, then pucker up as you kiss your diet goodbye. C’est la vie… loans till payday will get you enrolled in a new diet program whenever you like.

“These are special foods for a special time,” he said. Indeed they are, Abel. Gimme some! I’ll take out a loan till payday for the postage and refrigeration units!

The phantom deep fried butter menace

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That’s what some people Gonzalez has gotten hooked on his balls are saying – minus the phantom part. Deep fried butter balls are “not healthy food,” he told the Daily News. Furthermore, in another flash of revelation, he advises people to consume them in moderation while mixing in exercise and an occasional salad. I endorse this plan heartily. Now, if I didn’t need a loan till payday for health club fees…

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