Chinese hunters bring down Oriental yeti

Monday, February 25th, 2013 By

Photograph of a human skeleton, seated in a chair next to a sink. Is it a victim of the Oriental yeti, or simply a conversation piece?

Victim of the Oriental yeti? Probably not. (Photo: Wikipedia)

British newspaper The Telegraph may be onto something with this whole Oriental Yeti thing. Since we live in a world where we must remain on 24-hour blob watch, it pays to know where and when the latest hairless mystery beast is captured. In the case of the Oriental yeti, hunters in the Sichuan province of China ensnared the creature, which they initially thought was a bear. Yet according to what hunter Lu Chin told The Telegraph, “It looks a bit like a bear, but it doesn’t have any fur and it has a tail like a kangaroo.” The Oriental yeti reportedly had a voice like a cat, and its keening cry sounded constantly, as if the beast were searching in vain for others of its kind. Or perhaps it’s crying for auto financing, so it can speed away from its captors in a mint El Camino with hydraulics.

Oriental yeti en route to Beijing for DNA tests

Is the Oriental yeti a bear, or is it a giant rodent? The hunters thought it might be the legendary bear-man that supposedly haunts the local forest, but then they thought better of it. The bear-man entered China’s witness protection program after a run-in with the mushroom men.

Is it right to call it a yeti?

Wikipedia classifies the yeti (aka Abominable Snowman) as an “ape-like cryptid” from the Himalayas. So it is definitely Asian in origin. Scientists may call the yeti a legend, but it is a legend that will never die. Unless its cousin Bigfoot forgets to administer regular insulin shots, as the Abominable Snowman is a known diabetic with a pathological fear of needles. Otherwise, the snowman would hook himself up. With regular income, it would even be able to apply for payday loans to get all the diabetic gear it needs.

What does the Montauk Monster think of these disturbing revelations?

Even if it is just a mildly decomposed raccoon, the Montauk Monster should be consulted in such matters of mystery. Some people think that the Montauk, New York, monstrosity is the by-product of animal testing gone wrong, while others see the Montauk Monster (and its Chicano cousin, El Chupacabra) as a symbol of childhood wonder, twisted by fear. Part of the excitement of being alive is being just a little bit afraid of a great unknown. What is the strange sound you hear your house make at night? From where did the Montauk Monster escape? And, as they all say about the Oriental yeti, when will it star in its own reality show?

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