Chuck Norris: Crackpot Birther

The eyes of a Ranger are upon your birth certificate



Apparently, Chuck Norris took too many blows to the head during his climactic fight with Bruce Lee in “Way of the Dragon.” That’s the only way to explain his link to one of the most pointless mass hallucinations in far right wing-nut history. He doesn’t seem to be able to tell the difference between “refusing to release a birth certificate” and “it’s already been released, move on and go play Karate Commandos with Mike Huckabee.”

Why don’t you show me your karate certificate, Chuck?

I claim that as my Constitutional right! If you require money from me to print it, I’ll take out payday loans with no faxing and cash advances if need be.

The blog Think Progress draws our attention to a column written by Mr. Norris. Couched as a “Happy Birthday” message for President Obama, Norris officially joins the now-sputtering “Birther” movement by agreeing with CNN’s Lou Dobbs that Obama should produce a birth certificate that has… already been produced.

Denial that Obama could have been elected is childish…

Some would say that it even smacks of dissociative mental disorder at this point, as the documents have been published. Obama was born in Hawaii, which is one of the United States. He’s eligible to be president and has a lot of work to do, so let’s move on.

Is Walker Texas Ranger unfit for his duties due to a mental disorder?

I won’t say it, but I’ll say it

So Chuck Norris wants Barack Obama to – what? – hold another Beer Summit at which he will produce the original document? Why is this important? The document has been posted online, straight from the State of Hawaii’s Health Department. What shred of dignity does Norris think he’s saving by saying that while he thinks it is “a bit of a groundless stretch” to doubt that Obama is from Hawaii, Obama should produce documentation? Chuck, you aren’t a baby. You’re Chuck Norris. Find something better to do with your time.

Oh, you say it’s your Constitutional right?

“Refusing to post your original birth certificate is an unwise political and leadership decision that is enabling the ‘birther’ controversy,” says Doubting Chuck. In actuality, since the Obama birth certificate has been posted, Chuck Norris is one of the people enabling the controversy. “The nation you are called to lead is experiencing a growing swell of conspirators who are convinced that you are covering up something,” Norris continues. Unfortunately (no, scratch that, fortunately… I think Norris has been ridiculous for years), Chuck Norris is one of those conspirators. And Obama is sending those people a message by moving on to important issues. He has fulfilled his requirement of having been born in this country. Now he’s working to fix our country. You’re simply in the way.

What does authentic mean anymore?

The link I provided above shows you a digitally scanned image of President Obama’s birth certificate. Are you claiming that it’s Photoshopped, Chuck? Is that why you’re flying into this non-argument on Lou Dobbs’ coattails? Because of questions of authenticity? What about the possibility that a paper document could also be altered? Is anyone who they say they are? Can we trust anyone? Let’s drown important politics in misplaced paranoia, why don’t we!

Dobbs’ own TV network has killed this story as being one that is no longer legitimate, which is why Dobbs now saves his ranting for his radio program. There is no “document issue.” Barack Obama is not an undocumented immigrant who is ineligible to serve as president. Barack Obama is President of the United States of America, and Chuck Norris, Lou Dobbs and the rest of the Birther movement ought to go chase windmills somewhere. Perhaps their bodies could be harnessed to produce the kind of green energy we need. Run faster, Chuck!

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