Mr. T image from Wikimedia.

We all know at least one. World of Warcraft players are among us, sometimes in unexpected places. For instance, I wouldn’t have pegged Mr. T for a World of Warcraft fan, but he is the new spokesman for the online game that has captivated more than 10 million players.

Mr. T is not just trying to sell WoW, though, he’s putting his own special spin on it with a new “weapon,” the mohawk grenade. World of Warcraft entertains millions of people, and some of those people are not even players. For instance, I know a writer for a payday loan company who has never played World of Warcraft but is always entertained by little news tidbits and popular videos that involve WoW every so often. OK, that person I know is me.

Why I approve of the mohawk grenade

I was delighted to read about the mohawk grenade because not only is it a funny concept, it’s harmless. The mohawk grenade doesn’t harm the characters it hits, it simply transforms their hairstyles into Mr. T’s signature look.

Reports say that mohawk grenades are available to players in North America today, and overseas friends will have access to them next week. Each mohawk grenade has five charges, and once you use one up you can buy another.

How to get a mohawk grenade

You can get a mohawk grenade in World of Warcraft by locating a Night Elf Mohawk non-player character outside a starting zone. Everything I’ve read says you can “claim” it. So … good luck with that.

There’s no official word on how long the mohawk grenade will be available, but it’s a temporary feature. If all of the “weapons” in World of Warcraft worked this way, I’d definitely consider playing. I wonder what other fun weapons WoW could come up with? Maybe a grenade that makes the target talk like a pirate? I’d definitely use grenades that gave people funny accents or made them talk like Sarah Palin.

More fun with Warcraft

The last time I got a good laugh out of World of Warcraft news was when I came across this video of a boy completely losing it after his mom canceled his WoW account. Of course, the authenticity of this video has been questioned all along. However, even if this particular video was staged, everyone who knows an avid WoW player can attest to the fact that it’s at least based on a true story.

Debt relief is possible, even if you have to plan a Thanksgiving meal. (Photo: Wikipedia.org)

If you find yourself inhaling the last of the crouton dust after a fruitless search for the elusive meal, you are likely in need of debt relief. I’ve been there before, so I feel your fruitlessness. Now that Thanksgiving has flickered into view like flames from a toaster slot, you’re going to have to do a little bit better, particularly if you’re going to be having people over.

Plan and Save from Your Man Cave

Or feminine aerie, or whatever you call your esteemed hovel. You can plan how much food you’ll need and save some money in the process. That’s debt relief with wings that work, unlike the ex-bird that will grace your table.

Or Will You Even Give Them the Bird?

There are lots of other solutions, including ham, enchiladas or the gluten-free vegan feast of your choosing. But the main things you need to know are how long you’re going to entertain, how many people you’ll have and what time of day you’re doing this. If you’re doing an after-dinner party rather than an all day football gorge fest, you know you won’t need as much.

But Let’s Get to the Menu “Rules of Thumb”

Thanks to About.com, here are some general guidelines for you to follow. I’ve added my own comments, as I’m sure you’ll deduce. They’ll make Thanksgiving cheaper and contribute toward your debt relief journey.

1) Round Up When You Estimate

Better a little too much than too little.

2) Offer Ample Choices

Contrary to what you might think, more choices equals less of any one item. A little of this and a little of that instead of industrial-sized portions of an old stand-by make Thanksgiving parties spicy and (generally) cheaper for you.

3) Assume They’ll Try Everything

But they’ll likely go small, so that’s more leftovers for you! Trust me, it’s a psychological thing akin to nobody wanting to be “the one” who ate the last cookie.

4) Go Bulk for Sit-Down Dinners

Go with breads, nuts, olives, pretzels or anything cheap. This saves on prep time for those of you with no culinary skills. Besides, lots of bread will fill them up fast, make them feel like fat slobs and lower their resistance to your hypnotic suggestions. Tell them to stop eating and leave immediately… but wait until after dessert. The world’s all right with pie.

How Much SHOULD One Person Eat?

This varies, but you can do the math and figure out where the budgetary debris will fall.

Hors d’oeuvres and Salad?

Six bites before a meal. Remind them of Botswana if they object. If that’s the meal, think four to six bites per hour. With green salad, one ounce is right. Excess lettuce leads to emission problems (see the bean barb below).

Le Main Course?

Poultry, meat or fish are acceptable. About.com says six ounces per person if there’s one main dish, eight if there are two or more. To me, that seems counter intuitive to the myriad bulk plan offered above, but perhaps your guests are zombies and their lust for carne cannot be sated.

Rice and Grains? Yes Please! Pasta too!

One-and-one-half ounces as a side dish, two in a main dish like risotto. Can’t go wrong there, I think. And for pasta, think two ounces as a side, three for first course and four for main. Not all of those, however. Pick one. Repetition will cause your guest to plot your demise as you sleep. Change it up and you won’t have an “Ox Bow Incident” on your hands.

Get Starchy

Five ounces of potatoes should do it. The starches lull the mind into trance more readily, to which I’ve already alluded. It also weighs them down if you plan to use your guests as tackling dummies later.

Veggies and Beans within Your Means

Think four ounces of vegetables and two ounces of beans per person. I cannot stress enough that you adhere to think, particularly when it comes to the beans. You’re going to be locked in tight quarters with many people for a few hours, so think about it. If you have a gas stove, it’s a no-brainer.

You May Now Have Dessert

One thin slice of cakey substance is appropriate. In fact, it’s very cosmopolitan. If you’re going to get gushy, four ounces of pudding will do. For ice cream, think five ounces. If you mix the two, cut the portions in half. You’re out to perform debt relief surgery on yourself, so you don’t need pastry blobs giving you a hard time. Give those creampuffs the what-for if they question your stinginess.

But as always, do this in the most thankful manner possible. It is Thanksgiving, remember!

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Superstitious knick knacks clutter your cupboard? Your fingers may be why… so if you know this, you can avoid needing payday loans to fuel such an intuitive compulsion. (Photo: wikipedia.org)

When you believe in things
That you don’t understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain’t the way

- Stevie Wonder, “Superstition”

Psychologists have sought answers for some time as to why people believe in superstitious things and paranormal phenomenon. According to University of Helsinki psychologists Kia Aarnio and Marjaana Lindeman in an article entitled “The Origin of Superstition, Magical Thinking and Paranormal Beliefs: An Integrative Model,” “explanations have ranged from personality traits, psychological motivation, and flawed cognition, to emotional instability, demographics, and social influences.” That’s an awfully broad net to cast, but I’d tend to place the most stock in the social influences aspect. However, from the same pseudo-science (funded by payday loans rather than academic grants?) that brought you the digit ratio theory that supposedly enables you to tell if someone will be predisposed toward homosexual orientation based upon how long their index and ring fingers are in relation to each other comes… something rather disappointing.

Superstition is in the Fingers and Hormones?

According to author Martin Voracek, whether or not someone will be predisposed to believe in the fantastic and the paranormal may be determined before they even hear their first ghost story. It may be set in the womb, relegating those with increased intuitive thinking and decreased analytical thinking into following in Fox Mulder’s footsteps.

Stereotypically, Women Show the Intuitive Trait

Is this a disguised way for the old-boy scientific community to throw age-old “weaker sex” put-down around? Or is this based on solid scientific ground? Voracek is convinced that “there are biologically based, prenatally programmed influences on paranormal and superstitious beliefs.” It just so happens that one of the same indicators for superstition – that digit ratio thing – also connects to the homosexuality theory.  Voracek bases his findings on a survey of 1,118 Austrians, both men and women, who ranged from 17 to 72 years old.

Surveyed for Belief

Voracek questioned subjects regarding their position on all sorts of supernatural beliefs and phenomenon. Then data was collected on weight and length at birth, current age, education level and current height and weight. Inevitably, the digit ratio check came into play as well. While certain hormones do affect growth and proportions, it’s hardly a universal determinant. According to Discovery, “Men tend to have ring fingers that are slightly longer than their index fingers. In women, these fingers are usually about the same length, or the index digit is slightly longer.”

What Hormone are We Talking About?

For the sake or argument, let’s see. Oh, it appears that androgen exposure is involved. If the traditionally female sex hormones are more dominant, then I suppose you will chase Bigfoot the rest of your life. Just accept it, grow a mullet and live out of an RV.

What Voracek believes he’s found tends to follow conclusions Aarnio and Lindeman tended to arrive at:

Shorter feminized digit ratios in women also correlated with a greater likelihood of superstitious beliefs, as did a woman’s lighter weight at birth. For both sexes, shorter body length at birth was associated with later beliefs in superstitions and the paranormal.

Jock Scientists Taunting Nerd Scientists?

What is this, really? It sounds to me like yet another way to attempt to marginalize a minority group. If men or women have the wrong length of finger and want to do something about it, perhaps their innate belief in telekinesis can be used to create a psychic knife (a la Sylar in “Heroes”) and trim the digits down to size. Seriously, though, you should never actually try to do something like that. You’d injure yourself severely and find out that payday loans are in your future to help take care of the hospital bills. Of course if you believe in or actually are clairvoyant, you already knew that.

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Still looking for pumpkin templates to help decorate for Halloween? Heidi Braley of eHow has a simple how-to for your carving delight! (Photo: flickr.com)

This past weekend, I sat down at the dining room table with my children to decorate a Jack O’ Lantern for Halloween. They’re a bit too young to handle the sharp carving implements, but I had them take the pumpkin innards out and draw designs. It was a simple, wholesome affair that provided us with the kind of daddy-daughter-son bonding time we cherish.

And Guess What? It Wasn’t Expensive!

That’s right, no short term loans were required to fund our holiday merriment. This isn’t to say that you can’t use them if you want to go all-out in your Halloween decorating, just that you don’t have to break the bank. That’s something wallets carved up by the recession can appreciate, am I right?

eHow Has a Great How-To for Your Pumpkin-Carving Needs

Heidi Braley gives a simple, step-by-step summary of how to carve a pumpkin. With some simple tools and perhaps pumpkin templates of your choice, you can make your pumpkin scream like there’s no tomorrow.

Cutting, Cutting, Cutting

First, take a sufficiently sharp knife (Braley suggests a boning knife; I used a “pumpkin carving” knife I bought at a craft store) to cut a hole in the pumpkin. Then reach in and rip out the guts! Contrary to popular method, Braley says it’s easier to cut the hole from the bottom of the pumpkin. I’ve never been one to go easy, so I cut a hole in the top. What a fool I was! It’s much easier to place and light the candle if you’re dealing with the bottom of the pumpkin.

Oh, don’t forget to save the insides, even the seeds. There are lots of nifty dishes you can make! Braley suggests this recipe for the pumpkin seeds.

Paste on the Pumpkin Template

I used tape, but of course I’ve already told you what a mechanically declined fool I am. Stick it right on there and carve through the template and the pumpkin wall. Or if you’re artistic and don’t need pumpkin templates, draw right on that gourd with a marker and cut into that. It helps if the pumpkin is dry so the marker ink will stay.

I included one of Braley’s recommended pumpkin templates links above. Here’s another.

Carving Apparatus Recommendations

A Dremel is nice, but I said you didn’t necessarily need short term loans for this project. But if you bring in the power tools, set them to low for tracing purposes and high to bite into those larger areas. A sharp tool you can poke with also works.

Get that Paper and Marker Out of There

What are you, a slob?

OK, I am. I confess.

Most people will want to get the excess paste, paper from pumpkin templates and marker ink off the finished product. Scrub it all off. To stave off shriveling (because the chill touch of the grave spares no pumpkin), soak your gourd in water. Make sure to put the pumpkin in water, too. Then air-dry it and rub petroleum jelly over the cut areas. Otherwise, the edges will go dry. For your own gourd, the edges are going to go dry eventually, so just submit to the ravages of time and get on with it.

Set a Fire in its (Pumpkin) Flesh

Tea candles and glass votives work quite well here, suggests Braley. And like the rest of this project, they are inexpensive and free of the need for short term loans. But if you do need a short term loan to clean your house after the paint has been damaged by all the egging and wet toilet paper, Personal Money Store will keep a loan on for you.

Related Video:

Mariano Rivera spitball? No way, no how. Vaseline is the way to go. (Photo: flickr.com)

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim baseball club showed signs of life against the New York Yankees in Game 3 of the American League Championship Series, which is truly saying something because the shock of the previous two games they threw away would be enough to put any manager into an early grave. Perhaps the media figures this series needs another shock, so they’re accusing Yankees closer Mariano Rivera of throwing an illegal spitball. More on that in a moment.

Dynastic Tidings Once More?

Yes, the Bronx Bombers in pinstripes are back at the top of their game in 2009. That’s a thought that makes most any fan outside of New York City shudder, from both dread and jealousy. The New York Yankees are one of the two most dominant sport dynasties in American history (along with the Boston Celtics basketball team). I respect their historical accomplishments (since 1927), yet I hate the fact that it requires a cash advance to buy tickets to go watch a team try to (hopefully) beat them. Considering the Angels’ success so far, I may be waiting until the 2010 season.

Is the Rivera Spitball Hype Controversy?

Self-important media types may or may not admit it, but they manufacture news. It isn’t all that different now than when media baron William Randolph Hearst once said to an artist, “You furnish the pictures and I’ll furnish the war.” Mariano Rivera and the spitball do not go together. If you’ve watched him pitch for five minutes, you know that his mastery of the cut fastball is supreme. I’d wager there are few people on Earth who throw the hard-biting pitch that bores in on the hands and breaks bats as well as the Yankees closer. He is an absolute master of his art, something the sports news media member who suggested the Rivera spitball will simply never be. Please turn in your press pass and apply for a job with TMZ. If you need a cash advance now and then, we’re here to help.

Mariano Rivera Spits on the Mound

He isn’t alone there. Umpires are supposed to police players who spit on the ball, however. Because this supposedly makes the ball do unpredictable things that have been outlawed in Major League Baseball since the 1920s. The prime mover was Cleveland Indians star shortstop Ray Chapman, the last player to die in a Major League game. He was struck in the head by a Carl Mays pitch. Mays was a known headhunter and spitballer whose pitches danced up there disheveled and dirty. At the time (1920), players didn’t wear batting helmets and the umpires weren’t under the gun to replace dirty baseball with fresh white ones. Supplies were limited and there was no stadium lighting in the Majors. So a fast-moving, almost black baseball thrown at the head during twilight. Chapman probably never got a fix on the ball.

But Here’s the Thing

Back then, players used all kinds of tobacco, licorice and other foreign juices and edged objects to deface the ball. With the aerodynamics of the ball thus changed, it would duck and dart unpredictably. And for any noticeable difference, it required a lot of junk on the ball. A little bit of saliva will generally only serve to make it hard for the pitcher to grip the ball, thus damaging their ability to control their pitches. Ted Williams, one of the great authorities on baseball living or dead, once said that there’s no way a pitcher could throw a good spitball unless it was “loaded up” good. Even though he wasn’t a pitcher (and his frozen head has allegedly been used for batting practice), Ted Williams is a big enough authority for me.

So Lay Off the Rivera Spitball, Media Clowns

What stuns me about all of this is that MLB took the time to review this. Gee Commissioner Bud Selig, don’t you think your sport has suffered enough from bad decisions of late? Are we going to investigate Babe Ruth’s corked bats now in an attempt to rat him out as his body lies cold in the ground? At least that has more of an impact on a game than a little bit of saliva. The New York Post’s Joel Sherman claims that Rivera “spits constantly,” so I think we need to get Congress involved.

I hope the sod who covered this for USA Today isn’t serious when he says, “Sorry Yankee haters, no suspension is forthcoming for Rivera.” That he even gives the idea credence (and doesn’t seem to be aware of what I’ve shared with you here) make me think that the abundance of color ink in his fish wrap has caused lasting faculty damage. If it causes him to drool, perhaps he can experiment and see how the spitball actually works. I’ll take out a cash advance for him to put a spit cup on the ground in front of him.

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This woman says that she is a vampire-model-actress. Her name is Seregon O'Dassey. You know you want to know her. (Photo: youtube.com)

This Halloween, some people will be dressing up as vampires. Whether they’re inspired by “Twilight,” “True Blood” or one of the myriad vampiric fables, otherworldly skin tone, eyes and the archetypal fangs will be dripping for good times that night. Some will go to great lengths for realism, and the countless squibs alone could prompt them to seek the financial aid of cash advances. Luckily, once Halloween has come and gone, most people stop being vampires.

But Not Seregon O’Dassey

In her case, I’ll give her a pass. She can do whatever she wants. I’ll play Renfield, even.

As a recent interview in New York Timeout indicates, Seregon O’Dassey is a New York vampire-model-actress. October is one of her busiest months, as she makes the rounds of various vampire parties. Couple that with horror film appearances and private consumption of hemoglobin and you have yourself a very busy woman.

Does She Actually Drink Blood?

Seregon O’Dassey (aka Saragon Odasi by Googlers who cannot spell) tells New York Timeout that she does not do so on a regular basis. I imagine she also does not take out cash advances in order to buy the vino from an underground blood bank. It’s dependent upon mood and is always private. “I don’t have a craving and grab a random person,” she says. She simply waits for her boyfriend to have a kitchen mishap, then she licks her lips with longing and delight. However, she also indicates that she occasionally cuts herself on purpose, which is never advisable. Personally, I’d offer Seregon O’Dassey my services as a therapist, but only in the private reaches of a dark Victorian castle. Seriously, perhaps real therapy is advisable?

She is… Monogamous… in Her Vampiric Ways

I’m reminded of an old SNL sketch where James Woods is Dracula and he interviews women for their histories before biting. “Are you… monogamous?” he asks in the corniest Transylvanian accent possible. Well James, Seregon O’Dassey keeps her proclivities between herself and her committed boyfriend. She travels in various circles in Manhattan and surrounding areas where some are not so discriminating, but Seregon is concerned about safety in this regard.

This Subculture Has Clans and Government

When asked about the structure of it all, Seregon O’Dassey says that “You have people you report to. You go to your sire, if you have one. Then who’s in charge of your house or order. Or if you belong to a court, you go up to your chain of command until you get to your regent. It’s like the President with your legislative branches, and each state has a government, each city has a mayor.”

Who Knew it Was So Thought Out?

I’m thinking capes, makeup, dental enhancement and at best squibs. All of that would be expensive enough to require cash advances, but imagine how much money it takes to prop up vast system of vampire governments. This is beyond anything I’d imagined about the vampire community.

It’s good to know that Seregon O’Dassey could take charge if she wanted to. But she says acting keeps her too busy to attend to vassals and such.

Goth, Punk, Cyber Goth – It’s All Vampire to Seregon

They youngest “vampires” tend to be less elegant, says Seregon O’Dassey. And “Twilight” doesn’t get it right, apparently. She places herself in the more elegant older crowd. The fineries of vampire court life must be expensive – and you know where I’m going with, don’t you?  – they must need cash advances from time to time to keep the silks flowing over their pallid epidermises. Badda bing!

Thick, Rich and Dirty

Even metallic. That’s how Seregon O’Dassey describes the taste of blood. I would tend to agree, but please don’t mistake me for a vampire. I just like to know how certain things taste. But I’d never go so far as to adopt a vampire lifestyle. Too rich for my blood, I’d say. Cash advances can float a budget for a short period of time, but if you’re sure you must become a fully festive vampire, you’ll probably be looking at a larger cash outlay than short term loans were intended.

Oh, just go have a happy Halloween already…

Related Video:

Image from Flikr.

A word to the wise, people: If you’re ever out shopping and someone marches into the store and says she’ll pay for $500 worth of merchandise for everyone, remember that sometimes people lie. Furthermore, if this happens to you, please exercise further common sense by realizing that if a stranger walks in and offers to buy clothing for you and then doesn’t follow through, you are not allowed to steal it.

A Burlington Coat Factory riot broke out on Tuesday when a woman emerged from a limousine at the store and told cashiers she had won the lottery and would spend up to $500 on everybody in the store. Guaranteed loans may be guaranteed, but promises from strangers have no such legal backing. I’m not sure who I think is crazier in this story: the woman who lied about winning the lottery and being able to buy stuff for everyone, or the people who caused a riot and started looting the store after they realized the stranger wouldn’t be funding their purchases.

Details on Burlington Coat Factory riot

It all started at a Burlington Coat Factory location in Columbus, OH. Though the fact that I first read about this in the Weekly World News made me wonder which was the real hoax, the story is confirmed in the Chicago Tribune and on MSNBC. As they tell it, a woman named Linda Brown rolled up to the store in a rented limousine Tuesday and “walked to a cash register and loudly announced she had won the lottery and would pay for each person’s merchandise up to $500,” police said.

She told people she had won $1.5 million. Customers started calling relatives and friends, and soon the store had to call in police officers to handle the crowd. Brown went to the bank to get the money to pay for everything, then came back empty handed. She hadn’t won anything and had no money.

And the crowd goes wild

Once customers found out they weren’t getting free stuff, the Burlington Coat Factory riot broke out as “Angry customers threw merchandise around and looted, leaving the store looking as though a hurricane had passed through it, police said,” according to MSNBC. Some customers took off with their merchandise without paying for it, and police are reviewing surveillance footage to find those people.

Announcing to a store that you will buy things for everyone and then not doing it isn’t a crime. However, receiving $900 worth of limousine services and not paying for it is. When the limo driver realized he wasn’t going to get paid, he turned Brown into the police.

Quite the rap sheet

Turns out, the woman who caused the Burlington Coat Factory riot has three outstanding warrants for aggravated menacing, misuse of 911 systems and causing false alarms. Interesting hobby.

"Cake wreck spotting" has become a popular sport, as evidenced by this photo from Flickr. Can't guess what this cake is supposed to be? It's a turtle.

It’s fun to watch the way the print world and the Internet feed into each other. Most of the time, I read stories about how newspapers are shutting down and books will someday be obsolete because of the Internet. However, Cake Wrecks is an example of a book that was spawned from a blog.

This book would have never existed if it weren’t for the fact that the Cake Wrecks blog got so hugely popular. After the Cake Wrecks blog spawned the Cake Wrecks book, a little print publication called The New York Times wrote about the book and the blog, adding the fuel that now has word of the Cake Wrecks spreading like wildfire. Cake Wrecks started as a blog that featured photos of professionally made cakes gone wrong, now it’s it’s a book available in book stores and on Amazon for less than $10.

Why Cake Wrecks works

You may be wondering how someone could make money on a book that costs less than the fees on faxless payday loans, but I think the Cake Wrecks book will be a huge hit. Photos of cakes gone wrong make for a perfect coffee table book. I can definitely picture groups of people who read the New York Times socializing on a cushy sofa and laughing at a photo of a cake that says “Happy Birthday Chris in Orange.”

I am a sucker for the Cake Wrecks that involve wording issues like Chris’s cake, which had only blue decorative icing. However, a lot of the cakes gone wrong are just concoctions that blog/book author Jen Yates finds “unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate — you name it.” I have seen the first section of the Cake Wrecks book, though, and I couldn’t help laughing out loud when I saw the photo of the cake that said the words “I want sprinkles” on it in purple icing.

The circle of cakes

So a blog spawned a book, a book spawned an article, and the article has inspired many to check out the blog and buy the book. I guess books and newspapers aren’t obsolete yet.

Check out photos of cakes gone wrong, including a sweet little number that says “Well come home” and an anniversary cake wishing the couple “the fist of many to come,” at Cake Wrecks. I recommend starting with “Literal LOLs,” and be forewarned that some of the cakes in the “Do you see what I see?” category are a tad alarming, in a bad-frat-party joke sort of way.

That Kruger sped by on his Vespa. It looked like he had one menacing red eye… (Photo: flickr.com)

OK, so this is a story about something called quick payday loans. My brother and I had some fun with a neighbor’s cat, and the weird dude owner threw a rock that broke our car window, and dad needed the extra cash to fix things up.

Here We Go, Into Space

It’s Halloween, and my parents are big fans of the old radio show “War of the Worlds,” so they convince my brother and I to dress up as a fugly Martian and go trick-or-treating in the neighborhood. I want to go to the school carnival, but my brother convinces me that we can have a lot of fun. Once he grabs a carton of eggs, he gets me on his wavelength.

Off to Kruger’s Universe

We’re wandering down Elm Street when we come to the house of Old Man Kruger and his spacey cat. He’s really weird. Through the plate glass window in his front yard, we frequently see him sitting there, listening to the radio and acting like a weirdo. How weird do I mean? He talks to the radio, screams and sometimes dances about like a withered, overly-caffeinated stilt-walker. He’s tall, too, so I think of stilts.

My brother Lemmy and I see his space cat wandering around in the front yard, so we decide to have a little fun. With an “oogah” and a “boogah,” we spook the kitty and manage to corner it. Neither of us are going to do anything nasty; we just love being Martians and teasing strange people and their pets.

Long story short, Kruger hurts himself as he’s trying to scare us off. We buzz him with the eggs as we ride off on our bikes, and Kruger curses us and our offal spawn.

Blast a Month Into the Future…

Lemmy and I are playing basketball in our driveway when Kruger speeds by on a Vespa and throws a rock our way. It barely misses my head, and it manages to break the windshield of my dad’s car. He gripes about how he doesn’t have the money to fix it right now, but I hear from mom that he’s thinking about going online to some company called Personal Money Store. They can loan him fast cash that he won’t have to pay back until his next payday. It isn’t very expensive, either, which is great, because I want him to buy me a new bike soon.

Until the windshield is fixed, he’s riding my bike to work. Every morning, I hear him break out his best imitation of some old guy named Orson Welles: “Kruger, our worlds are at war…”

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He wanted money, I gave him too much. Only quick personal loans could control my anger. (Photo: flickr.com)

Quick personal loans helped my anger management via a change in wardrobe. Not your average, everyday happening, is it?

An Emerald Green Day in the Park

I was jogging in the park last week when I was accosted by a strange, foul-smelling man. As this was a therapeutic run, I was concerned that changing my morning routine in any way would exacerbate the rage issues I spend every moment of my being keeping in check. Each day, I mollify the monster.

“Can you spare me some money, sir?”

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Stay calm. Be calm. I am calm.

“I said, do you have some change? I need to put some gas in my SUV.”

“Calm down. Just a minute.”

This Would Never Do

I looked at the pulse monitor on my wrist. 140 and rising. I had to act right now, before my condition got out of hand.

“Just a minute, let me see.”

I began to fish through my gamma green fanny pack. Keys, lottery tickets, Swiss Army Knife… that could come in handy… no, wait, that’s the monster talking, ignore that… here we go, my wallet.

Living On the Margins of His Hummer

“It’s so expensive to fuel up my gigantic SUV, I can’t afford a place to live. Sorry I smell so bad…”

“OK, sir, I hope this helps. Now please, don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

“Uh, OK. Thanks.” He glanced at the wad I’d handed him, pocketed the cash and sprinted back through a nearby foliage cover like a frightened deer.

NO! I Couldn’t Have!

It wasn’t until I could hear his laughter in the distance that I realized what I’d done. I thought I’d handed him only a few dollars, but then I remembered that I’d wrapped all of my cash inside a few singles. What a disaster! How was I going to survive until my next payday? I had to buy several pairs of pants to replace ones that I had torn. And the shirts; don’t get me started. All of this, in addition to food and the few bills I hadn’t already paid. What was I going to do? Something deep inside me wanted to get out and find something to break.

Nice Pants

My heart rate shot up to 170 and my anxiety was near boiling. Fortunately, as my hands thrashed about in my fanny pack, frantically searching for something that would save me, I found a business card for Personal Money Store. I’d used them once before; their quick personal loans service was fast and efficient, and I remember it calming me down a great deal. After giving them a call, I felt as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Whereas I had been so upset that I felt as if I could have rushed into a small city and leveled it to the ground, now I was calm. Not only were quick personal loans the right thing to get my budget back on track, but I was approved for a bit more than I needed. Great for new pants.

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Harriet Tubman was a conductor on the Underground Railroad. Did I mention I was trapped there once, and that a quick payday loan busted me out? (Photo: wikipedia.org)

Not long ago, I needed a quick payday loan to help me out of a jam. Thankfully, my cell phone gets reception underground. Otherwise, I’d still be aging with the wine thanks to the cobwebs in my wallet.

There’s a story to this, so bear with me as we go underground

My mother-in-law lives in a granny flat on our property, and there’s a below-ground tunnel that connects our living rooms. Why was there a tunnel, you may be wondering? Apparently, the family who owned the property 150 years ago was comprised of conductors on the Underground Railroad. Anyway, we’d been using the historic crawlspace as a wine cellar, and I went down to fetch a vintage bottle of Merlot. As I reached to unlatch the door and return to my dinner at home, the vintage lock wouldn’t turn. But I didn’t panic; I simply walked to the other end of the cellar and tried the door on my mother-in-law’s end. It didn’t work, either – I was stuck in the Underground Railroad and embarrassed as all get out. My brother-in-law worked for the local fire department, so I surely didn’t want him to catch wind of my predicament.

A Slave to My Own Cellar

Yet I didn’t panic. I knew I’d need a private locksmith, but I was short of cash and payday was far away. Unlike conductors on the Underground Railroad in the Antebellum South, I had a cell phone. I used my 3G connection to look up PersonalMoneyStore.com. It was a very easy Web site to us. Furthermore, I was approved fast and the funds were deposited that same day. That was early enough for me to call a locksmith who could set me free.

An Employee Was Worried

I couldn’t believe it, but since I’d mentioned in the comments section of Personal Money Store what kind of a situation I was in, an employee called me. Ostensibly it was to verify information in order to determine my loan worthiness, but I think she just wanted to talk to somebody who’s locked themselves in a wine cellar. She couldn’t believe what had happened to me.

In fact, once I told her about the historic nature of my home and that the locks hadn’t been replaced since the Civil War, she probably wrote me off as an eccentric old coot. That’s what I imagine, but I have no complaints about how she handled my transaction. She was professional and helped me stay cool as a julep. I thanked for her help, and once the money was available, I called the locksmith.

I toast you with a glass of Pinot wherever you are, Personal Money Store lady. A quick payday loan truly did set me free.

If a Quick Payday Loan could set you free, APPLY NOW!

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Christopher Straub got the most "favorite designer" votes on Lifetime's official Project Runway page. Image from Wikimedia.

Last night on Lifetime’s biggest moneymaker, “Project Runway,” season 6 episode 7 featured another team challenge. Usually, on “Project Runway” there are a few designers who hate team challenges. However, this season is special. Everyone hates team challenges. Every last one of them.

Epperson says he is cool with being part of a team after Christopher chooses to work with him, but who can forget the whole Epperson/Qristyl debacle? Everyone seems to get along OK except Irina and Gordana. The challenge this week was a little vague, I thought: Make something blue. For Macy’s. Two something blues. I think the Macy’s woman said something about the sky.

In the Mood to talk about Logan

So the designers get their instant cash to go fabric shopping at Mood. The teams are Irina and Gordana, Christoper and Epperson, Carol Hannah and Shirin, Louise and Nicolas and Althea and Logan. Team captain Althea actually giggled (a lot) when she picked Logan. So maybe Althea doesn’t hate team challenges, but only because this one gave her an opportunity to work within hair-stroking distance of Logan. Can we talk about Logan for a second?

All the models love him in a high-school crush sort of way. All the female designers love him in a college romance sort of way. My very own, level-headed, smart friends love him, although one described him last night as “too pretty.” Am I missing something here? No to get too personal, but I am a straight woman. Apparently this means Logan should, according to the evidence, make me all googly eyed and silly. This doesn’t happen. I think he is blah. Blah! As in bland, plain, yawn, snore, you get the point. Am I the only one? Seriously, help me out here.

Enough about Logan

OK, moving on. Shopping trip is finished. Time for the designers to whine to the camera about how much they hate working as a team. Irinia’s being kind of a you-know-what about it. She continues to be a you-know-what on the runway, complaining about what a terrible partner Gordana is.

Nonetheless, Irina wins. I guess she didn’t really need to say such you-know-what-y things about Gordana. The pair made a cute, flowy dress that everyone loved and a sexy skirt and top combo. Interestingly, though really the only direction the designers got was “make it blue,” the winning, cute, flowy dress wasn’t really blue.

Who went home?

Throughout the episode, Heidi repeated that “one or more” designers would be out. Only one designer went home, and though I didn’t think this particular designer deserved it, I was not surprised. The bottom two teams were Lousie and Nicolas, Christopher and Epperson. Nicolas had immunity, so he was in. Epperson was simply a teammate, so he was in.

Cue the suspense music. Louise had made what I thought was a very cute little casual cocktail dress and a too-ruffly but not terrible formal cocktail dress. Christopher made something shiny with a bib-looking neckline and paired it with leggings (always an oops) and a man’s-shirt dress. Really, his clothes were awful. But we love Christopher, don’t we? I guess we love him just enough because Louise got the auf wiedersehen, and Christopher got to stay, though not without breaking my heart with his crying.

Carrie Fisher, 30 years ago. Image from Flikr.

Carrie Fisher, more commonly referred to as Princess Leia, appeared on “Today” this morning to talk about “Wishful Drinking.” The piece is both a book and a one-woman Broadway show.

You can buy the book “Wishful Drinking” for about $10 for the paperback or $18 for the hardcover. The book was published last year but just became available in paperback this month. You can get used copies for about $7, so avoid using those credit cards if you can.

Hollywood inbreeding

Part of Carrie Fisher’s show and book “Wishful Drinking” talks about Hollywood inbreeding. She discusses her parents, Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, and the various relationships they entered and quickly exited after Eddie left Debbie for Elizabeth Taylor after Taylor’s husband Mike Todd died.

What follows is a lengthy synopsis of marriages, meant to decipher whether her daughter was related to the grandson of Mike Todd and Elizabeth Taylor. Her conclusion is that they are only related by scandal, not blood, but there are certainly a few near misses.

Show business breeds show business

Somewhat equally dizzying is the fact that Carrie Fisher, who worked in Hollywood, wrote a memoir about Hollywood, and she now performs that memoir on Broadway. This practice of turning celebrity into more celebrity is getting pretty common.

So, Carrie Fisher made a bunch of money playing Princess Leia, and now she makes money talking about the childhood that surrounded that iconic role. Of course, she talks about other things, too, but it all comes back to Hollywood. She talks about doing drugs, being bipolar and views of mental illness in society. And it’s funny!

Comedy of errors

Making people laugh is the main focus of Fisher’s “Wishful Drinking.” She talks about her second husband (yes, she carried on the family tradition of multiple marriages) Bryan Lourd, who left her for a man. She tells Matt Lauer on the “Today” show that Lourd blamed his homosexuality on her drug use.

“I didn’t read that warning on the label,” Fisher says. Watch video of Carrie Fisher on the “Today” show.

Carrie Fisher history

Let’s take a look at the life that lead up to the publication and performance of “Wishful Drinking.” Carrie Fisher had only one small role in the film “Shampoo” in 1975 before she was catapulted to fame through her role as Princess Leia in 1977. She was 19.

She played Princess Leia in the three “Star Wars” movies that were released first. She did some small TV roles back then, and after “Star Wars Episode VI” wrapped, she did bit parts on television, held a few movie roles and did some voice work. She hasn’t had any roles even close to as well-known as her portrayal of Princess Leia, but now she is the star of her own show.

Making a living

Recently, Carrie Fisher has done one-episode stints on TV comedies such as “30 Rock” and “Weeds,” and she has done voice work for “Family Guy.” She returned to her role as Princess Leia, in voice only, for a Star Wars spoof on animated series “Robot Chicken.”

If junior gets a nasty sting or bite and you don't have insurance, is your budget ready to feel the burn? (Photo: noaa.gov)

Things can happen to anybody at any time. That will throw their budget, regardless of how stable, off the course.  Even for those of us who keep our checkbooks balanced to the penny and anticipate future expenses a couple of paydays in advance, it all can be thrown into a state of chaos by a trip to the emergency room, the not-so-dream car that has expired, the security deposit on your new apartment that was a lot more than you expected or the teacher who informs you that your child needs to bring them a check, a few days before payday, for the next activity or field trip they’ll be taking.  Should this ever sound like your life, get it back to a good place with the best of the payday loan companies. Access to their services is brought to you by Personal Money Store.

Tap into a huge network for help

Personal Money Store is here to make life’s little surprises less unpleasant. With access to a huge network of lenders that we refer you to who help people just like you get a hold of what payday loan companies specialize in: payday loans. They are truly there when you need them.  Some lenders may also be able to wire you payday loans regardless of your credit rating.

Handle your money trouble fast

The worst thing about having to pick up the tab on expenses is not that you must fork over additional cash than usual, but rather the fact that they crop up at the worst possible times.  Of course, when something like this happens to you, time is of the essence to take care of it.  However, while the use of other methods such as bank loans or credit cards may be feasible in some situations, they can’t go the distance in many others.

The clock is ticking…

After all, high revolving lines of credit are very rare and some customers’ credit histories are so tarnished that they are unable to obtain revolving credit in the first place.  The same applies to applying for a small loan through your bank.  And even if you do qualify, the time it would take for you to receive your cash would be so long that by the time it’s wired to your bank account, it would be too late to pay off your debts in time.

With thoughts such as these in mind, more and more people are opting for payday advance loans from payday loan companies.  Even then, most such lenders operate within a limited window of time.  And while these are typically longer than neighborhood banks, financial hardship doesn’t punch a time clock.  So, what do you do, say, when you or a family member needs to go to the emergency room at two in the morning and you have no cushion at your disposal to pay the bill?

Short-term assistance, available 24/7

Personal Money Store runs its Web site with all such people in mind.  There are no credit checks for our services, as is the case with most of the lenders you may conduct business.  Additionally, our services are available to you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for literally whenever a need for online payday loans or any other kinds of cash advance loans may strike.

Keep in mind, however, that not everyone will qualify for what payday loan companies offer. However, we do try our best to help everyone.  In addition, payday loans should be used for short term needs only, not a long-term financial solution.  Those with credit problems should seek credit counseling.

So whenever you need additional funds, the choice is clear: Personal Money Store

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Improper punctuation can be dangerous. Image from Flikr.com.

National Punctuation Day is a holiday like no other. Unlike most holidays that are invented seemingly out of the blue, National Punctuation Day wasn’t created as a business promotion.

It’s sort of like Talk Like a Pirate Day. It doesn’t make anybody any money. It doesn’t spread publicity for a business. It is simply there for people to celebrate something they love. You don’t need an unsecured personal loan or any other form of financing to celebrate National Punctuation Day.

Either you’re in, or you’re out

National Punctuation Day simply exists to encourage writers, editors, other types of wordsmiths and lovers of the printed word to celebrate properly used punctuation, rather than complaining about, correcting and berating others for incorrect punctuation. Of course, they will still do that, too. They can’t help it. But today, we celebrate as well.

You see, some humans are afflicted with a very real condition that causes them to feel extreme anxiety when they see misplaced punctuation. This may manifest itself through a physical reaction, such as tightening of the chest or gritting of the teeth. Similarly, some with this condition will go to great lengths to remove the offending punctuation from their sight or alter it if possible. Others exhibit auditory responses, such as heavy sighs, general angry noises or yelling punctuated with profanity.

Then there is everyone else — the “normal” people. They do not even notice improperly used punctuation and often misuse it themselves.

More manifestations of condition

I have a “friend” who once stopped following her acquaintance’s Twitter account because he purposely misused both “your” and “you’re” in the one tweet. He clearly does not understand the seriousness of this condition. She was so angry she decided to stop following him. She didn’t even tell him.

That friend later realized, as much as she hated to admit it, that apostrophe misuse was not worth ending a friendship over. This same friend once saw a sandwich board sign on the sidewalk that had a misplaced apostrophe. Fortunately for the business owners, the wording on the sign was made of stickers, so she simply peeled off the offending apostrophe and continued in her travels feeling relieved and lighthearted.

Celebrate National Punctuation Day

Some grammarians may choose to celebrate National Punctuation Day in this manner, correcting any improper usage of punctuation they can reach. However, many people who have the above described condition do things like this on a regular basis. The same friend who peeled the sticker off the sign once altered every copy of a poster in her favorite bar because they were missing  apostrophes.

None of these incidents happened on National Punctuation Day. Being offended, angered, saddened and irritated by incorrect punctuation is an everyday occurrence, especially as communication becomes more and more text-based, thanks to Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, text messaging and instant messaging. Thus, I think National Punctuation Day should be a day of celebrating correctly used punctuation, something we grammarians often take for granted.

Celebrating good punctuation

For instance, my friend once wrote a Facebook status that contained a semicolon. In response, one her her friends commented: “Way to go with using a semi-colon. I don’t think I could do that to save my life!”

I think this is an excellent way to celebrate National Punctuation Day. So just for today, pay extra attention to your own punctuation. Also, seek out proper usage of punctuation and give compliments, preferably in a public forum such as a Facebook wall or MySpace comments. Also visit The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks, and have a good laugh.

Bumping fists and watching out for Vera Baker (Photo: flickr.com)

Leave it to the New York Post to come up with a story like this. Leave it to me to relay the sleaze to you, the reader. Not because I think you’re sleazy, but because I believe you’re as guilty as I am of finding this kind of thing entertaining. And since when does flirting have to be sleazy? Sure, it may not be appropriate to flirt with your payday loan store representative (it won’t get you any free money), but in general, flirting is a very human reaction. Of that, Vera Baker and numerous other women may be quite guilty.

But playing grab-a$# with the president is crossing the line

The Post reports that a new book entitled “Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage” paints the picture of a protective – some might say jealous – wife in Michelle Obama. While on the campaign trail, Michelle allegedly gave her husband the silent treatment on numerous occasions due to the way he soaked up female attention. Not because he acted upon it, but the fact that he appeared to be enjoying the attention. The book claims that women “pushed their bodies up against his, slipped phone numbers into his pockets” and made generally lascivious suggestions.

Absolute power seduces absolutely

According to the book, another practice that too many women began with Barack Obama was holding onto his hindquarters. Barack didn’t seem outwardly surprised by this, but it is alleged that in private, he wished they’d leave his butt alone. It isn’t surprising that Michelle Obama would be upset by this. In fact, she is quoted as saying “I want to tell these women, ‘Back off. Get a life.’ It’s just embarrassing, that’s all.”

You saw the tabloids just like I did

Don’t lie. Even if you aren’t picking them up at the checkstand, your eyes wander over the tabloids while you’re waiting in line at the grocery store. You saw every rumor, ranging from Barack Obama’s affairs with Oprah to his “in the closet” secret. I’m sure one of them even claimed that the man came from the planet Zog to steal the women of Earth. But Michelle knows that he isn’t a female-eating biped. His ego, on the other hand, may be.

“He’s loving it. He’s a man, isn’t he?” Michelle allegedly said at one point during the campaign.

Vera Baker has nothing to say (except “Please don’t hurt me, Michelle!”)

No, she didn’t actually cry out in fear of the First Lady. But Vera Baker did share a close relationship with Barack Obama during the campaign. Most of the talk indicates that it was a professional relationship, but the slash and burn of Obama-flirt simply won’t go away. The book’s author indicates that Vera Baker’s interaction with Barack was “more than just the random flirting from strangers,” and that Michelle was indeed upset about it. If cold stares were bullets, Barack would have needed the kind of protective glass you find at a payday loan store to protect him from Michelle at the time.

A send-off to Martinique?

What a way to go. Perhaps I will flirt with the president and be sent to a tropical island nation. Trinidad works fine for me… or Tobago… or anywhere else referenced by The Beach Boys in “Kokomo.”

Of course it hasn’t been proven that Vera Baker was sent off to Martinique by Michelle Obama. Yet it’s fun to speculate. Let’s spread dirty rumors all over the place and see what sticks. Like dogs in ecstasy, let’s roll in the rumors and carry the smell wherever we go. If it earns us a trip to Martinique, Fiji or the end zone at the Meadowlands, we’ll certainly know we’re going places! And if you need cash when you get there, look for a payday loan store. Or just click the green button to go, go, go!

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Even if things look bleak in the short run, you can still make financial hay with a payday cash loan from Personal Money Store! (Photo: commons.wikimedia.org)

Has something happened in your life that has made you realize that you’re probably not going to be able to make ends meet this month, though you’re really fretting because something such as a poor credit history has limited or even eliminated most of your options? If so, consider opting for a payday cash loan with help from your 24/7 source, Personal Money Store.

Chewing up all that worry

Personal Money Store wants to be there for you in the good times and the bad by putting you in touch with, quite possibly, the largest network of payday cash loan companies. The lender we refer you to might be able to wire you a payday cash loan or payday loan to chew up a temporary cash crunch. We also have great working relationships with lenders who even can offer some clients a payday cash loan that is wired to you as early as the end of the business day. If your credit is somewhat less than perfect, don’t worry! A payday cash loan or payday loan may still be within reach when you apply at Personal Money Store.

Our system is designed to work for you

So you’re thinking of coming to us in search of assistance in the form of a same day payday cash loan or other form of payday loan. You might be wondering exactly how such a system actually works. Quite frankly, this is a question very commonly asked by folks who either may be in need of a payday cash loan or payday loan. Or perhaps you’re just seeking out information in regards to various outlets for consumer financial assistance. Either way, Personal Money Store is happy to help.

Payday cash loans – apply quickly and safely

In a nutshell, Personal Money Store serves more than one purpose. Yes, we offer up our unprecedentedly large network of lenders that we refer you to who collectively may be able to furnish loans to most people, regardless of their credit situations. We do this by having potential clients fill out a comprehensive application which will ask for such things as current employment situation, social security number and regular monthly income. However, there is no need to worry, as we utilize the same industry-standard encryption practices that online merchants employ in order to keep their customers’ sensitive information out of the hands of identity thieves or other threats.

What comes next?

Then, your application will be analyzed and sorted by your specific needs. If approved, we will put you in touch with a payday cash loan lender who would be best suited to assist you. Pending you accept an offer from a designated lender, the terms will be spelled out within a pre-disclosed window of time  and the money will be direct deposited into your checking account.

On track and making hay once more

But what really makes Personal Money Store different is that besides just getting you on the right track to a lender who may be able to wire you a payday cash loan or payday loan, we also will open up our wealth of information to you, spanning such topics as budgeting, saving and otherwise smart spending that can empower you by keeping hardship from coming back. Apply today!

Sit back and relax. With payday cash advances, you won't lose sleep wondering where the cash will come from! (Photo: flickr.com)

We can all agree that no matter how diligently you work to keep your finances in a good place, something always is going to come along that puts it in check. Give yourself the power to attack this opponent head on with payday cash advances obtained with the assistance of Personal Money Store.

Don’t lose sleep again!

Payday cash advances are just what you need when you’ve lost sleep wondering how you’re going to make ends meet this month, or when you’ve been thrown the misfortune of unanticipated expenses such as an emergency room visit, a broken down car or whatever else may come up. In almost no time, we could be analyzing your application and putting you in contact with one of our many lenders who can – sometimes even in the same business day – get payday cash advances or payday loans direct-deposited into your verified, active checking account.

Bad credit? No problem – rest easy!

Personal Money Store realizes that people from various walks of life are sitting on a myriad of different financial situations. Some of these situations may include histories of missed payments, financial hardships or other things that may have taken a toll on your credit rating and/or good name. Personal Money Store keeps these and other types of consumers in mind by also giving them unprecedented access in obtaining payday cash advances and payday loans that can help those who have been turned down by other financial institutions.

Your data is safe with us

Your first major concern in regards to applying for payday cash advances or payday loans could be thinking that giving your sensitive information over to such a website could make you more vulnerable to identity theft or other threats. Identity theft is one of the nation’s fastest growing crimes, with one out of twenty American adults said to become victims annually.

You can rest easy knowing that when you submit your completed application to Personal Money Store in hopes of help in obtaining payday cash advances or payday loans, your information will be kept safe. We can say that because we utilize the same industry standard encryptions and other security measures that the best online retailers use to prevent putting their customers in harm’s way.

Receive funds the same day!

The best part about coming to us first when you need help in getting payday cash advances for whatever cash crunch you’re facing, is that upon approval, you might have the funds in your checking account as early as the end of the same day. So, when you need fast cash, Personal Money Store wants to help you. Apply today!

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What are you waiting for? Make some deep fried butter! (Photo: commons.wikimedia.org)

I may need a loan till payday. Why? Because I have to stock up on butter and buy a deep fryer. I want to feel those slick gifts glide down my tongue. I want to embrace it in my mouth until my taste buds are overwhelmed with desire. Then I’ll swallow, nice and slow. I love to tease myself.

But I could never make a habit of consuming deep fried butter. Not because I wouldn’t love the taste, but because I do have SOME health standards. Sure, Michael Phelps may get away with a 10,000-calorie per day regimen, but he’s working that off… and he’s Michael Phelps. Our metabolisms differ slightly.

I may have to go to the State Fair of Texas

That’s where deep fried butter – The Dish! – will be unveiled, according to the New York Daily News. According to deep fried butter “mastermind” Abel Gonzalez Jr. (I want his job), “It’s like a mix between a biscuit or a croissant that is just stuffed to the gills with butter on the inside.”

Wait. There’s bread involved? I guess that’s OK… some wussies won’t take their butter by the handful.

It takes a computer analyst to design such deviltry

Gonzalez used to be a computer analyst in Dallas, but the constant snacking must have led him over to the culinary dark side. Using every ounce of Sith cooking his midichlorians could muster, Gonzalez powered his way to victories in past state fairs with such delicious creations as fried cookie dough, a fried peanut butter, jelly and banana sandwich and – wait for it – fried Coke. Oh, the humanity!

Deep fried peaches and cream, fried pecan pie and fried peanut butter cup macaroons are on the agenda for this year’s fair, yet Gonzalez feels that his simple concoction will carry away people’s hearts as it clogs them. Whipped, fluffy butter is frozen, placed in dough balls, then deep fried. Yowza… pop ‘em like candy!

And flavored butters!

Yes, Gonzalez even has that trick in his repertoire. Think garlic, grape or cherry, then pucker up as you kiss your diet goodbye. C’est la vie… loans till payday will get you enrolled in a new diet program whenever you like.

“These are special foods for a special time,” he said. Indeed they are, Abel. Gimme some! I’ll take out a loan till payday for the postage and refrigeration units!

The phantom deep fried butter menace

That’s what some people Gonzalez has gotten hooked on his balls are saying – minus the phantom part. Deep fried butter balls are “not healthy food,” he told the Daily News. Furthermore, in another flash of revelation, he advises people to consume them in moderation while mixing in exercise and an occasional salad. I endorse this plan heartily. Now, if I didn’t need a loan till payday for health club fees…

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Sunda Croonquist (Photo: Hamptons Comedy Festival)

Then Sunda Croonquist’s mother-in-law can have it. If we’ve reached the point where we can no longer poke fun at each other, then society has reached the point where its trappings are no longer of interest for me anymore. If nobody can prove to me that comedy still has a place in this life, then I’ll head for the trees and live the remainder of my life in “George of the Jungle” style. I’ll just have to track down two young wives, develop an affinity with jungle creatures and watch out for that tree. Or at least get my hands on easy loans for a collection of crash helmets.

Considering that I’ve lost one wife, I’ll need to redouble my efforts…

The Associated Press reports at http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gntGLagH0ecSgNx1EHvRFMYI8hUgD9AA1UJG0 that the half-black, half-Swedish comedian (and former Miss America runner-up) has pushed her Jewish mother-in-law Ruth Zaffrin, sister-in-law Shelley Edelman and Shelley’s husband Neil one matzo too far. See the video below and you’ll get a flavor for her act. She brings up her mother-in-law a lot because she is a character, because she is genuinely funny. It isn’t an off-color race joke or religion joke that she uses… Sunda Croonquist appears to be a clean, skilled comedian.

Read them the charges, Steve

The yenta has accused Croonquist of “spreading false, defamatory and racist lies.” It’s all in the regular rotation of her act, which she performs in nightclubs and on various Comedy Central programs. To Croonquist, it’s natural observational humor that is most often based on the culture clash between an older white Jewish woman and a young black Swede who was raised Roman Catholic. Here’s a sample from her act, where MIL is speaking to DIL:

OK, now that we know you’re having a little girl I want to know what you’re naming that little tchotchke. Now we don’t want a name that’s difficult to pronounce like Shaniqua. We’re thinking a name short but delicious. Like Hadassah or Goldie.

It’s harmless stuff

And if what Sunda Croonquist says is accurate, her mother-in-law used to think so, too. They used to watch tapes of her act. “They played my tape at Passover one year, and they loved it!” she said.

Perhaps it was that little slip on her Web site. While promoting upcoming shows in New Jersey, Croonquist gave a little bit too much information – information that apparently made it easy to discern the identities of her in-laws. Hence, the suing began in the grand American tradition of “it’s funny until the mask comes off. Now give me my money.” Damages are being sought in U.S. District Court in New Jersey, and they’re demanding that Croonquist remove “any offensive statements from her Web site, routines and recordings.”

Humorless, like the color of woolen phlegm

Are we really so humorless now? Goodness knows we need humor more than ever in an increasingly bleak world. Sunda Croonquist has agreed to remove the statements, but she refuses to pay damages. Now the courts get to latch on and suckle for all they’re worth. Interestingly, her lawyer husband’s firm is representing her in the lawsuit. Wonder how mom likes that?

Get over it, mom

(Photo: guidespot.com)

Her recent act is mostly clear of the whole in-laws thing, but not entirely. No first names anymore, but it’s still very solid material. For instance, when she meets her Jewish New Jersey sister-in-law, the sister says, “Oh my Gawd, look at her, she’s got light eyes and light hair. What kind of black person is she?”

Sunda responds in her best “street” voice, “A black person who can hear, that’s who.”

It’s tame material

“They’re nice jokes,” says Croonquist.”There’s nothing bad, nothing defamatory.” Plus Sunda turned Jewish before she met her husband and has kept a kosher home ever since. Do you seriously think she’s an anti-Semite, Ruth?

Prove it wasn’t just a joke

“Most people who sue under these kinds of circumstances are way too sensitive,” First Amendment law expert Gary Bostwick told the AP. “If they contact a lawyer like me I would tell them that, without seeing the script and the blog I have no idea who is right and who is wrong, but I do know there is a very strong defense: It’s very difficult to prove that it was not just a joke.”

While Ruth Zaffrin’s action could have broken up Sunda Croonquist’s marriage, the comedian rolls with it like a healthy, optimistic person. She claims that if she’d known that was coming, she’d have “tried to make a worse first impression.” She would have tried to make a worse first impression, perhaps something more gangsta. Picture a little of Queen Latifah meeting Steve Martin in the clunker “Bringing Down the House” and you get the idea.

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