“Yo no soy hay dinero”
Bert will NOT sell his bottlecap collection to fund terrorist activities! Please stop asking.
We want to hear good financial news, but the world has for the most part been uncooperative. Will we be able to take time out from our frontyard lemonade stands to apply for payday loans and fast cash, or has the grand old government taken that choice away from the public now? Patriots wouldn’t stand for the removal of their freedoms, would they?
OK, settle down. Here’s some financial news you won’t hear about on the 10 o’clock news, and it is indeed great news. “Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving bunch of jihadis,” says Rachel Maddow. Al Qaeda is broke!
A heartwarming story we can all get behind
Maddow calls the headline – “Al Qaeda is Broke” – “the single best financial headline anyone in the whole world has seen all year.” But there it is. The Bucharest Herald reports that Al Qaeda has gone on record as saying that they are “short of funds” to be able to complete their Afghanistan jihad. The recession has made the purchase of explosive devices and other essential tools for the hit-and-run militant on-the-go too cost prohibitive.
Have they tried bake sales? Bunco parties? Wait, sorry – religion won’t permit that, because it could be considered a form of gambling. However, I’d consider eating Osama’s muffins to be a gamble in itself. Fatwa nothing – I want to know exactly how long has that Easy Bake batter has been sitting in the back of that cave…
“Need help. Please send money if you hate capitalist infidels and little kittens.”
Do not drink the milk of infidels
Al Qaeda’s chief in Afghanistan, Sheikh Mustafa Abu Al-Yazid, has made an audio recording that has been conveniently intercepted by the American news media (here’s a written transcript for those of you who don’t speak Arabic). In his message, Al-Yazid tells it like it is for Al Qaeda: times are tight.
Apparently, the audio was not supposed to be released to a mass audience, but technology has made the world much smaller, so perhaps Mr. Al-Yazid should have thought of that before opening up the books, so to speak. At least it makes for a refreshing change from the usual propaganda found on jihadist chat rooms and forums. The Herald reports that Al-Yazid is begging “an unknown contact in Turkey” for the financial support Afghanistan’s Al Qaeda faction so desperately needs.
“Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?”
“We are lacking funds here in the Afghan jihadi arena,” he says. “The slow action in the operations here nowadays is due to the lack of funds, and many Mujaheddin could not carry out jihad because there’s not enough money.”
“It’s to the point where there are many martyrdom-seekers here who wish to sacrifice their lives for the sake of Allah, but we don’t have the means to equip them,” Al-Yazid indicated. Since he is reportedly a qualified accountant who allegedly handled that 9/11 plot finances, he most likely knows the real story that’s on the books in blood red.
They’ve already spent the money we gave them
As most people know who are familiar with what’s been happening in Afghanistan and Al Qaeda, the bulk of the money for activities (including monkey bar competitions) came from Osama bin Laden himself. The elusive one had a private jet at one time, as well as “agricultural lands in Sudan the size of Bahrain,” according to The Herald.
Where did bin Laden’s money come from? Two sources commonly named is Islamic charities and wealthy individuals from Saudi Arabia and other Gulf nations. It has been reported that Al Qaeda’s 2000 budget tipped the scales at a whopping $30 million. But there’s another source that some folks consider to be a tad controversial, and that’s the United States government. Because at one time, the Mujaheddin was fighting the Russians. That’s back when U.S. presidents still referred to Russia as an “evil empire” and were willing to fund Afghani “freedom fighters” in their struggle against Communism. See more in the video below.
These days, however, the funding sources Al Qaeda used to be able to rely upon have dried up as the more is subjecting them to more intense scrutiny. The U.S. government, European Union and most of the rest of the international community have their eyes on when big money flows and suspected terrorists are involved. I’m sure Iran and similar-minded countries aren’t on board with that entirely, although the recent elections in Iran may change that a bit. Payday loans and fast cash may not be on the way, considering Islam’s view of lending money, but since Al Qaeda is broke, perhaps they’ll find another way.
Don’t come to our humble establishment for help, however. We support the troops and stand against terrorist activities anywhere in the world, including domestic terrorism. Hear that, you twinkle twins Von Brunn and Roeder?
Related Video:
Now this is some financial news that’s good! There isn’t really a substitute for economics when it comes to war – the more money you have, the greater your chances of victory. There is a lot of interesting economic currents in history, especially as regards to military conflicts. The funny thing is that all of the countries we have gone to war with since WW2 have all had one thing in common – massive poverty. Afghani GDP per capita is under $1,000, Iraq is about $3,000, Vietnamese is about $1,000 – granted, South Korea rakes in the bucks (around $20,000 – not bad!), but the fact is that money is one of the things that wins wars. Not always, to be sure, but it certainly does a lot of the heavy lifting. However, with such limited resources one wonders just how we can come to be threatened so.