Denver Boot Means You’re a Parking Deviant

Don’t buy boots in Denver

Americans love their automobiles. It’s an affliction that will never go away, as the parasite has burrowed its way too deep into our consciousness.  It’s latched on to bone.

I appreciate technological advances as much as the next guy, but automakers certainly knew what they were doing when they created these cash monsters. Who among us hasn’t had to resort to easy loans and payday cash once in a while to make emergency repairs? Plus, when we park them in the wrong place, John Law has taken it upon himself to torture us further with parking tickets. And what happens when you rack up too many parking tickets?

You get the Denver Boot

Sheila Ahern reports for the Chicago Daily Herald that these little devices are making the lives of frequent city commuters a royal pain. As an example, one driver in Arlington Heights, Illinois has tallied a whopping 510 parking tickets since July 26, 2005. That adds up to $28,711 in fines, which more than likely exceeds what the offending vehicle is worth.

I say offending vehicle, but isn’t the offender truly ticket-happy authorities on a revenue drive? I can understand citation and towing if a person parks in front of an ambulance bay or a fire hydrant, but city streets? I say first come, first served. Businesses need their loading zones? Mark them clearly with signs, then people will know. If you’re depending upon a painted curb, those frequently fade to white.

But how does that Arlington driver get away with it?

“This vehicle owner openly commits parking violations almost every day without paying any fines,” said Police Cmdr. William Newman. “Perhaps because he knows the village will take no action against him except for having Armor Systems make collections attempts by mail or telephone.”

Ah, collections. What a useless warping of space. But as you can see, ticketing for garden variety parking violation (no matter the quantity) is as effective as trying to deliver Pez to Mars with a slingshot. There’s no immediate way it can be enforced in some cities. However, Arlington Heights (like select cities nationwide) has obtained permission to begin using the Denver boot device that attaches to a wheel and is supposed to make a car immobile. Forget for a moment about that episode of “The Simpsons” where the family goes to New York. You can’t drive on it.

Uncomfortable Underoos

The Denver boot typically costs police departments up to $1,500 each, although cheaper units (for restraining Obama’s green fleet cars) are available. The more sophisticated models also require additional software, as they’re electronic. That hardware and software systems for tracking the boots cost upwards of $40,000 for the system. Get five or more tickets in Arlington Heights and get slapped with the Denver boot.

According to Cmdr. Newman, Arlington Heights police wrote over 17,600 tickets in 2008. Nearly 5,000 of those were fruitless parking tickets (but at least the paper the tickets are printed upon also come from trees!) City officials estimate that anywhere between 10 percent and 15 percent of all those tickets are unpaid.

Don't cut a Denver boot yourself... leave that to the superheroes

Arlington Heights is going to put in a request with the State of Illinois that if a driver has 10 or more unpaid parking tickets, their driver’s license will be suspended, which is as good an idea as asbestos Underoos.

Your ordinance is out of order, madame

“People seem to think it’s OK to ignore (parking) signs or to move their car two feet every two hours,” said Arlington Heights trustee Helen Jensen. “That’s against our ordinance.” And it takes up parking spots in front of their city shops.

“Sometimes the same car is parking outside a store all day long,” she said. “Sometimes that car has a parking ticket on it. Sometimes it has two,” said Arlington Heights Village President Arlene Mulder.

See? Business (and apparently some people’s sanity) depends upon automobile access. The march of technology has made up petty and small. Easy loans and payday cash to the first person who can reach me with the answer to this problem. Tie your answer to the Pez you fire at Mars, please.

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