A payday loan saves me after a day with my seven-year-old

Just me and the seven-year-old today – what could go wrong?

It’s the wife’s day off today. Since that payday loan I took out before the weekend had helped me replace her cosmetics from that last fiasco, she had graciously remained in a good mood – so she decided to treat the kids to a day out of fun and good times. I had been up most of last night typing away on my writing job, so I looked forward to a solitary afternoon of napping on the couch and catching up on some well-deserved shut-eye.

No nap after all

However, being that the game plan for today’s doings involved Sesame Street on Ice, followed by a trip to Chuck-E-Cheese, then capped off with a trip to the local ice-cream parlor, it all seemed just a wee too “baby-ish” for our oldest, Orion, so he elected to stay home with me. Well, there goes my afternoon snooze on the couch.

Could I still sneak in a tiny five minute nap? We’ll see…

I had a nifty idea – I figured I could just pop on the TV, call up some old rerun episodes of M*A*S*H that I had recorded (Orion, like myself, is a big fan), and while he was glued to the set, I could set my watch’s alarm so that I could sneak in little cat naps of ten minutes or so, and have my watch wake me for the commercial breaks. I’m a genius, no?

So far, it had seemed to work well for a good two sessions. Like the expression, “third on a match” however, I wasn’t so lucky on the third attempt. Apparently, since the boy also heard my watch go off every now and again, he became wise to what I was doing, and decided to hop on the opportunity to exploit these little windows of time.

A horde of plastic army men can be a formidable foe indeed…

My watch beeped and my eyes opened like… well, like clockwork. However, all was not right. The boy’s accompanying giggling was my first unsettling clue. (Am I going to need another payday loan to replace something again?) Apparently, while I was lost in momentary, yet blissful slumber, this bright boy of mine had decided to carefully lay out what seemed to be an endless throng of little plastic army men (among his most favorite of all playthings) all over the couch, and my snoozing body, all arranged to be menacingly pointing their various types of weaponry at my face. The events that next took place seemed to run in slow motion for me, much like when one experiences an auto accident – but in reality, it all happened within about the span of a bee’s sneeze.

Who, in their infinite wisdom, came up with the glass coffee table?

At first glance, I did not realize that they were in fact, merely plastic army men. All that registered in that very first millisecond was that the couch and I were both COVERED in myriads of little green things, with legs, in threatening poses. I thought I was covered in… oh, I don’t know – locusts? I had then immediately leaped like a flea on a hot brick, sending little plastic army men flying every which-way, much to the insane laughter of my seven-year-old boy.

Some had fallen from the top of the back of the couch and had found their way under my back, skewering me with their tiny bazookas, rocket launchers and AK47s. I thought I was being bitten by insane insects, so I, convulsing with a mix of fear and shivering disgust, had fallen off of the couch and sent my hand right though the glass coffee table. Orion was startled in a rather large way, and looked to be in fear for his very life. Good call, kiddo.

It all seemed much more serious than it really was, thank goodness…

Fortunately, there were a couple of magazines on top, which had been between my hand and arm, and the glass of the table. I emerged unscathed. Orion however, looked as frightened as any seven-year-old boy would look, in such a situation. I realized that what he had initially done was quite harmless, and that my reaction couldn’t rightfully be blamed on him. Looking at him and wondering what to say next, I couldn’t help myself – I started to laugh out loud, much to his relief.

After we both laughed hard for a good ten minutes or so, I swept up all the glass, while mentally pondering the practicality of having a glass coffee table in the first place. Applying for another payday loan, within two hours I had the funds to go out and replace the coffee table (this time I got one with a thin, marble top) before the wife and the other kids got home. What’s the moral of this story? Don’t underestimate the collateral damage that can be done by a well-armed unit of plastic army men.